I am ok now..... I guess I was feeling pretty miserable because... well.... I will need to explain later, I have breakfast to make for a 7 year old "saaarrrviinnnnggg" boy.
Lets just say I "played up" and suffered the consequences. But I didn't realise I was playing up until a couple of days later when I started "thinking" and then I realised that I had exhibited not so slave like signs and then I realised that perhaps I was in trouble.... and now I don't really want to write about it here because it seems I am always wiring about being in trouble and I am a little embarrassed about how often it seems that I am in trouble and I feel a bit ashamed. Master may indicate that I have to write about it. But if He doesn't I am not going to and continue on being such a good wonderful perfect little slave.
Now where was I? Breakfast...
Love You Master
s
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Tuesday - over it
I have gotten over the grumps!
I was busy at work but it was under control. Master and I will not speak tonight, but we spoke last night for an hour. It was a nice chat, but I think we are both a little despondent due to the fact that we cannot communicate as much as we usually do. So that makes us both a little fed up.
He is off to work and London today and then He has his son's graduation on the weekend so we cannot speak until Monday next week which is a bit of a bummer. BUT... we can and will get through not speaking, we always do.
Its 14 days until I turn 39! Accckk I think 39 is going to be worse than 40.
As an aside its going to be 1 degree here overnight, it was 4 as I drove to work this morning. I really don't like cold.
Well off to sort out D and then bed.
Love You sexy Master
s
I was busy at work but it was under control. Master and I will not speak tonight, but we spoke last night for an hour. It was a nice chat, but I think we are both a little despondent due to the fact that we cannot communicate as much as we usually do. So that makes us both a little fed up.
He is off to work and London today and then He has his son's graduation on the weekend so we cannot speak until Monday next week which is a bit of a bummer. BUT... we can and will get through not speaking, we always do.
Its 14 days until I turn 39! Accckk I think 39 is going to be worse than 40.
As an aside its going to be 1 degree here overnight, it was 4 as I drove to work this morning. I really don't like cold.
Well off to sort out D and then bed.
Love You sexy Master
s
Monday, July 06, 2009
Irritable
I am feeling irritable and at work. The girl I job share with has left SO much work that "she didnt get to". It was the same last week and I am feeling VERY irritable about it. My sister is also sending me copies of emails that her and mum are sending back and forth to eachother which is also making me feel irritable. They consist of things like: "but you said this mum" "No I didnt say that" "Yes you did the week before last" "No I didnt I said..." rah rah etc etc. Mum wants to come and visit for my birthday and my sister is pissed off with that (because mum is coming for my birthday and I guess she is jealous). I have made a suggestion that we all go out for lunch and incorporate my sister's "bon voyage" thing into it (so my sister doesnt feel bad even though its the last thing I want to do is go for lunch with them on my birthday). My sister dismissed my suggestion when I mentioned it to her at soccer on Saturday. Mum has not replied to my email at all I sent her last Friday in relation to it. Now the both of them are bickering at each other about some money that my sister said she would give to mum to help her pay for moving some stuff ($300.00). Now my sister says mum told her she didnt need it and mum is saying she didnt tell her she didnt need it. Regardless my sister should have just transferred it into mum's account anyway. Mum is on a pension and my sister has quite a bit of money. Anyway they are sending emails back and forth bickering about it and I dont need to fucking know. Now I am sitting at my desk at work and I can hear people crunching on stuff and its irritating me. I CANT STAND hearing people eat. I have 2 minutes I am going to go and put money in my metre before I tell them to shut up! Soooo Master please please please please take into consideration I am having a bad day if I am a little "humpy" when we speak tonight? Smiles love you. s |
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Sunday, July 05, 2009
Sunday after a bonus Saturday Shaft
My Master did let me off.
not because I have been sick, but because I have shown great improvement with my weight loss the last couple of weeks *beams* (thank you Master).
we spoke last night briefly online and then He had things He had to do, but we managed to reunite at 1pm His time and 10pm mine. We managed to get in an hour alone time. It was nice. I was dreamy and he had ordered me to bed and told me to call at 10pm but only if I had a creamy cunt and swollen nipples. So of course when 10pm came around I was very ready for use.
I sucked on His shaft and then He told me to open my legs. I opened them and He wanted them wider. He sat back and looked at His property while He made me tug on my nipples. He commented on the fact that I had "very slutty cunt lips" . He enjoyed that my hole was ready for fucking. He loves to look and I love Him to look. There is a certain sense of vulnerability when I open to Him and He sits back and comments. I do not think I will ever be fully able to spread my legs and offer myself without feeling a little self conscious. I love to do it, but its the forbidden/slut/owned property aspect that turns me on and makes me feel slightly embarrassed. I guess its the knowledge that He could have me lay back with my legs wide and apart for hours if He wished, its the knowledge that He can do as He pleases. Its the total knowledge that if I were to do that for an extended period of time I would start to leak my juices in offer to Him. that is the embarrassing part. I do get every so wet for my Man.
I always felt self conscious of that in the past. I always wondered whether in fact I get too wet. Master has had me dry myself a little on occasion. That command was a little humiliating, but also turned me on, "dry yourself you dirty little slut, look how went your cunt is".
I am His slut. I am a slut for Him. A dirty greedy little slut. Only He can bring me down to that mode. His slut, to be used and fucked, in any way He wishes.
He would never call me a whore, nor a cunt. Those two words are personal limits of His. Should He ever call me either of those things I would cry. He has called me a "fuck" and a "fucker", those two words are pretty humiliating, but He says them in context and when He does, I am just that. Property.
I love Him so.
Thank You for last night Master, it was an added bonus. Thank You for putting yourself out and rushing home to be with me. I appreciate it and adore You.
Always Yours.
s
not because I have been sick, but because I have shown great improvement with my weight loss the last couple of weeks *beams* (thank you Master).
we spoke last night briefly online and then He had things He had to do, but we managed to reunite at 1pm His time and 10pm mine. We managed to get in an hour alone time. It was nice. I was dreamy and he had ordered me to bed and told me to call at 10pm but only if I had a creamy cunt and swollen nipples. So of course when 10pm came around I was very ready for use.
I sucked on His shaft and then He told me to open my legs. I opened them and He wanted them wider. He sat back and looked at His property while He made me tug on my nipples. He commented on the fact that I had "very slutty cunt lips" . He enjoyed that my hole was ready for fucking. He loves to look and I love Him to look. There is a certain sense of vulnerability when I open to Him and He sits back and comments. I do not think I will ever be fully able to spread my legs and offer myself without feeling a little self conscious. I love to do it, but its the forbidden/slut/owned property aspect that turns me on and makes me feel slightly embarrassed. I guess its the knowledge that He could have me lay back with my legs wide and apart for hours if He wished, its the knowledge that He can do as He pleases. Its the total knowledge that if I were to do that for an extended period of time I would start to leak my juices in offer to Him. that is the embarrassing part. I do get every so wet for my Man.
I always felt self conscious of that in the past. I always wondered whether in fact I get too wet. Master has had me dry myself a little on occasion. That command was a little humiliating, but also turned me on, "dry yourself you dirty little slut, look how went your cunt is".
I am His slut. I am a slut for Him. A dirty greedy little slut. Only He can bring me down to that mode. His slut, to be used and fucked, in any way He wishes.
He would never call me a whore, nor a cunt. Those two words are personal limits of His. Should He ever call me either of those things I would cry. He has called me a "fuck" and a "fucker", those two words are pretty humiliating, but He says them in context and when He does, I am just that. Property.
I love Him so.
Thank You for last night Master, it was an added bonus. Thank You for putting yourself out and rushing home to be with me. I appreciate it and adore You.
Always Yours.
s
Friday, July 03, 2009
Didnt quite make it
The weight that is. I lost 200grams this week and have text Master with the result. I should have lost 500grams.
Time shall tell whether or not I get to talk with my Master this weekend now. I feel a bit despondent about it. But a rule is a rule so of course I will try not to complain if He enforces it, which I think He probably will, even though He will not want it enforced either.
*sighs*
I will update when I find out.
Love You Master
s
Time shall tell whether or not I get to talk with my Master this weekend now. I feel a bit despondent about it. But a rule is a rule so of course I will try not to complain if He enforces it, which I think He probably will, even though He will not want it enforced either.
*sighs*
I will update when I find out.
Love You Master
s
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Ugh.. Thursday evening
7.51pm precisely.
I am going to bed.
I dont feel too flash....
Love You Master
xxxx
I am going to bed.
I dont feel too flash....
Love You Master
xxxx
Thursday
I actually still feel like crap actually, but because I am not at work I have put it out of my head. Now that I am sitting here coughing and with a headache and blowing my nose I just realised I am still sick.
My handsome Master called me this morning. I don't think I have ever mentioned that I think He is handsome. Its something I have always thought, but never written it I guess. I suppose things like that we just "know" but don't usually say.
My Master has the most intense dark eyes. They are really dark. When I write about His eyes going dark when He is cross they really do get like that and they really do light up and sparkle when He is laughing.
So He has incredible eyes. He also has a naturally tanned skin, so He always looks healthy, He has got great calf muscles in the backs of His legs, they are really tight. His hands (have never seen a day's work ever) are smooth, yet very strong. They are supple and they work magic. He is going grey, but its that lovely white grey, not the grey grey, He is not fully grey though (yet) and still has some dark left. He has silvery dark eyebrows now also. He has a great physic and not fat in any way shape or form. He is about 6"1/6"2. He has the biggest shaft I have ever dealt with (I am not joking). He is quite hairy, although not on His back and the hair on His chest is course at the top and then just under His belly button it gets really really soft like fur, I love running my hands in that bit of "fur". If He does not shave His facial hair grows quickly, so He is always freshly shaven (unless of course He grows whiskers to rub against my cunt). He is the sort of person that when He laughs everyone else erupts into laughter as well. He has a natural charismatic charm and is able to tell stories and jokes better than anyone. He loves to "hold court" and can lie (through His back teeth) to tell a story or talk His way out of something.
Mmmm I love Him to pieces. Smiles
****
Anyway yesterday He text me at work when I asked for something to take my mind off my headache. He told me to fuck myself three times and think about His and my "table". I went to do it in the loo at work and got sabotaged by a client and didn't get there. So last night I was in bed and text Him to tell him that I had been "sabotaged" and that I would not play but wait for Him to call me today.
So I thought I was doing the right thing. It seems I was not doing the right thing because when He called me this morning He said He TOLD me to do it so I should have done it regardless and besides He did not specifically say I had to do it at work (ackkk) and that I should have done it at home. So now I have to do it today (not that I am complaining).
Master and I had sex this morning when He called, so I now have a leisurely 3 orgasms to enjoy later tonight. Mmmmm. I don't think I am in trouble for not doing it as I think He understood that I was trying to be good, but I do know now that I have to do it. In fact I actually have plenty of time now......before I go to get D from school.
In fact... I will write more later (grins)....
My handsome Master called me this morning. I don't think I have ever mentioned that I think He is handsome. Its something I have always thought, but never written it I guess. I suppose things like that we just "know" but don't usually say.
My Master has the most intense dark eyes. They are really dark. When I write about His eyes going dark when He is cross they really do get like that and they really do light up and sparkle when He is laughing.
So He has incredible eyes. He also has a naturally tanned skin, so He always looks healthy, He has got great calf muscles in the backs of His legs, they are really tight. His hands (have never seen a day's work ever) are smooth, yet very strong. They are supple and they work magic. He is going grey, but its that lovely white grey, not the grey grey, He is not fully grey though (yet) and still has some dark left. He has silvery dark eyebrows now also. He has a great physic and not fat in any way shape or form. He is about 6"1/6"2. He has the biggest shaft I have ever dealt with (I am not joking). He is quite hairy, although not on His back and the hair on His chest is course at the top and then just under His belly button it gets really really soft like fur, I love running my hands in that bit of "fur". If He does not shave His facial hair grows quickly, so He is always freshly shaven (unless of course He grows whiskers to rub against my cunt). He is the sort of person that when He laughs everyone else erupts into laughter as well. He has a natural charismatic charm and is able to tell stories and jokes better than anyone. He loves to "hold court" and can lie (through His back teeth) to tell a story or talk His way out of something.
Mmmm I love Him to pieces. Smiles
****
Anyway yesterday He text me at work when I asked for something to take my mind off my headache. He told me to fuck myself three times and think about His and my "table". I went to do it in the loo at work and got sabotaged by a client and didn't get there. So last night I was in bed and text Him to tell him that I had been "sabotaged" and that I would not play but wait for Him to call me today.
So I thought I was doing the right thing. It seems I was not doing the right thing because when He called me this morning He said He TOLD me to do it so I should have done it regardless and besides He did not specifically say I had to do it at work (ackkk) and that I should have done it at home. So now I have to do it today (not that I am complaining).
Master and I had sex this morning when He called, so I now have a leisurely 3 orgasms to enjoy later tonight. Mmmmm. I don't think I am in trouble for not doing it as I think He understood that I was trying to be good, but I do know now that I have to do it. In fact I actually have plenty of time now......before I go to get D from school.
In fact... I will write more later (grins)....
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Wednesday
At work, feel like crap, 4.25 hours to go.... Oh and Master has toilet paper "over" and not "under", apparently He changes it in peoples houses also...and goes one further..... shapes the end into a "V"! Grins I have always resisted the urge to do that, once I start I know I will not be able to stop.... s |
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Something that should be remembered
I had to make a quiet mention that yesterday it was two years since my Master's mother passed away (29 June 2007). I bought a Daphne bush exactly 2 years ago today (for my Master and in her honour) and below is a photo of how it looked when I bought it.
Two years forward it has new growth and I have recently repotted it. Two years forward and Master and I are as close if not closer than we were then (if that is possible). The Daphne is thriving, there are many buds which cannot be seen in the photo.
I have been watching and waiting for its lovely fragrant flowers for weeks now, I love to inhale the scent of Daphne. I had planned on cutting a flower and giving it to my Master (via the cam) today, but then I realised with His kids around He may not wish to use the cam as it can get a little awkward with people walking in and out. So I decided to take a photo of the bud (below) and offer it to Him this way.
I love You Master, I remember because I love you with all my heart.
Always
s
I am odd
I get horny when I am sick
I eat things like sardines & vinegar on toast or mustard & liver spread on toast when I am NOT pregnant
When I WAS pregnant I couldn't even eat garlic, or onions, or anything like that
I get more horny AFTER my period than before....umm or do I?
I have a little obsessive thing where outside chairs cannot be on any cracks (its hard when there is paving!), closet doors need to be closed in the bedroom so I cannot see inside, shoes have to be together with shoelaces in a line over the top of them, more recently the blinds in the house have to be shut from left to right, not right to left, the toilet paper has to go OVER, not under, I change it at work if someone has done it wrong... I am SO anal about it....
I am superstitious about seeing a lone crow, in fact I hate seeing single crows, more than one is okay. Have you heard the rhyme?
1 for sorrow
2 for joy
3 for a letter
4 for a boy
5 for silver
6 for gold
7 for a secret never to be told....
********
Hmmm I think I need to go back to bed before I divulge any more "oddities".
Still love me Master?
Smiles
s
I eat things like sardines & vinegar on toast or mustard & liver spread on toast when I am NOT pregnant
When I WAS pregnant I couldn't even eat garlic, or onions, or anything like that
I get more horny AFTER my period than before....umm or do I?
I have a little obsessive thing where outside chairs cannot be on any cracks (its hard when there is paving!), closet doors need to be closed in the bedroom so I cannot see inside, shoes have to be together with shoelaces in a line over the top of them, more recently the blinds in the house have to be shut from left to right, not right to left, the toilet paper has to go OVER, not under, I change it at work if someone has done it wrong... I am SO anal about it....
I am superstitious about seeing a lone crow, in fact I hate seeing single crows, more than one is okay. Have you heard the rhyme?
1 for sorrow
2 for joy
3 for a letter
4 for a boy
5 for silver
6 for gold
7 for a secret never to be told....
********
Hmmm I think I need to go back to bed before I divulge any more "oddities".
Still love me Master?
Smiles
s
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday
I had to stay at home today. On Friday D vomited at 12am, gastro all day Saturday with a headache, Sunday still not flash but a bit better until bed and coughing.... On Sunday I also developed an itchy throat and cough so I didn't feel too good today either and had a bit of a restless night.
I took D to the doc today and we had a double appointment. He should be okay for school tomorrow (depending on his cough tonight) and he doc said he is at the end of the virus. The it was time for my appointment. he said:
"You do not look well at all S".
I said:
"No I guess I just have what D has had"
Anyway he checked out my chest and stuff and my lungs are clear which is fabulous! He told me to go home and rest for the next couple of days and asked me if I needed a certificate for work. I said:
"Ohh, I should be okay for tomorrow shouldn't I?"
He said
"Hmm well it would be better if you didn't go, I will give you a certificate inclusive of tomorrow and aim to go Wednesday".
I am a bit annoyed because I do not get paid if I don't work and I just had all that wasted bloody time off with the swine flu quarantine thing. I will take myself out of work for my child, obviously, I would never make him go to school if he were sick because I was worried about money, that is not an issue. I just get annoyed that I am not feeling good and I cannot relax because I feel guilty. I am still not sure if I will go or not tomorrow. Although I spent from 11am until 12.30 in bed dozing while D watched TV and then from 4pm until 5pm in bed again reading while he watched TV. I don't sleep soundly if he is up, I always have one ear listening, its more a state of relaxation I guess. I have a sore throat, slight headache and am coughing and very tired.
****
I spoke with my adorable Master last night, it was a night of drama as D was coughing, then vomiting, then I suddenly got my period after quite a rough sexual encounter (I had not realised), then I had to sort out D and sort out myself and I called back Master and we spoke for a bit more and He sent me off to sleep and sort out D again, who just could not get to sleep.
CK really has put His foot down. There was absolutely no discussion about not wanting to hang up the phone. It was bed and straight to bed type stuff. He also asked me a couple of questions during the evening such as "what were there 5 books I just bought at the boot sale and if you don't know why not" and I DID KNOW and then another "What is my password for....(a particular thing he uses on the computer" which I DID KNOW. Only small questions I suppose, but none the less He expects me to know the answers and I feel good when I please Him and I do know them.
Anyway, we cannot talk tonight. He has his son coming home from Uni today and CK is flat out. His house will be cramped for a period of time with both son and daughter back there. Its probably best as I will post this and go to bed. We will speak tomorrow though.
We are both reading the same book at the moment which is fun. He was unsure whether He was going to like it, I hope He is enjoying it. I am up to page 42 and just getting into it, He had read 5 pages yesterday and was worried that it was going to be all about a woman and it was a "girly book". I guess further into it we shall see.
Love You Master
s
I took D to the doc today and we had a double appointment. He should be okay for school tomorrow (depending on his cough tonight) and he doc said he is at the end of the virus. The it was time for my appointment. he said:
"You do not look well at all S".
I said:
"No I guess I just have what D has had"
Anyway he checked out my chest and stuff and my lungs are clear which is fabulous! He told me to go home and rest for the next couple of days and asked me if I needed a certificate for work. I said:
"Ohh, I should be okay for tomorrow shouldn't I?"
He said
"Hmm well it would be better if you didn't go, I will give you a certificate inclusive of tomorrow and aim to go Wednesday".
I am a bit annoyed because I do not get paid if I don't work and I just had all that wasted bloody time off with the swine flu quarantine thing. I will take myself out of work for my child, obviously, I would never make him go to school if he were sick because I was worried about money, that is not an issue. I just get annoyed that I am not feeling good and I cannot relax because I feel guilty. I am still not sure if I will go or not tomorrow. Although I spent from 11am until 12.30 in bed dozing while D watched TV and then from 4pm until 5pm in bed again reading while he watched TV. I don't sleep soundly if he is up, I always have one ear listening, its more a state of relaxation I guess. I have a sore throat, slight headache and am coughing and very tired.
****
I spoke with my adorable Master last night, it was a night of drama as D was coughing, then vomiting, then I suddenly got my period after quite a rough sexual encounter (I had not realised), then I had to sort out D and sort out myself and I called back Master and we spoke for a bit more and He sent me off to sleep and sort out D again, who just could not get to sleep.
CK really has put His foot down. There was absolutely no discussion about not wanting to hang up the phone. It was bed and straight to bed type stuff. He also asked me a couple of questions during the evening such as "what were there 5 books I just bought at the boot sale and if you don't know why not" and I DID KNOW and then another "What is my password for....(a particular thing he uses on the computer" which I DID KNOW. Only small questions I suppose, but none the less He expects me to know the answers and I feel good when I please Him and I do know them.
Anyway, we cannot talk tonight. He has his son coming home from Uni today and CK is flat out. His house will be cramped for a period of time with both son and daughter back there. Its probably best as I will post this and go to bed. We will speak tomorrow though.
We are both reading the same book at the moment which is fun. He was unsure whether He was going to like it, I hope He is enjoying it. I am up to page 42 and just getting into it, He had read 5 pages yesterday and was worried that it was going to be all about a woman and it was a "girly book". I guess further into it we shall see.
Love You Master
s
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Rosie's rules
Just revisiting a few ground rules for my own benefit. These rules are not written, they are more a way of life that I need to follow to please Him, that I am well aware of but ones I do slip up on on occasion. He has never given me any "standard" rules, these are ones that have really just eventuated as a matter of course over the years:
- Always describe what underwear I have on (I have been slack with that)
- Always wear my collar (I did this ONCE and have never done it again)
- Always have a shaved cunt (I have been a little slack with that)
- Always have smooth legs and underarms (ditto)
- Maintain fingernails and toe nails (ditto)
- Always wear lip gloss - I have been vigilant with that
- Never wear red - I have been vigilant with that
- Never wear bright pink - I have been vigilant with that
- Always wear something online that can be easily taken off to present my breasts to Him - I have been vigilant with that
- Never say "whatever" - I have been vigilant with that
- Never lie to Him - I don't lie to Him
- Currently - lose 500grams a week until He says - I have been vigilant with that
- Text Him every day when He is in London, preferably twice so He knows I am in bed and at what time - I have been vigilant with that
- Don't smoke - I have been vigilant with that
- Don't over indulge in anything, including alcohol - More recently okay with that needing to lose weight
- Never masturbate - I have been vigilant with that
- Only ever touch His cunt in preparation for Him, and only to "prepare" it for use - I have been vigilant with that
- Always inform Him if I am not going to be home on days He may call - I have been vigilant with that
- Refer to Him as "Master" more often than not - I have been vigilant with that
- Never EVER call when He has told me not to - Ummm recently I have failed on this
- Always have my phone on and be available (when not asleep) - I have been vigilant with that
- Never raise my voice to Him - I have failed on this
- Never swear at Him - Ummm recently I have failed on this
- Always answer His questions when He asks them, even if they are questions I find embarrassing or out of stubbornness I refuse to answer (ie how much I weigh and more recently my refusal to give Him my birth date) - Ummm recently I have failed on this
- Never allow stubbornness to get in the way of rules - Ummm recently I have failed on this
- Always have all toys/crop/wooden spoons cinnamon ready if He wishes me to use them, even if weeks pass and He does require their use - I am vigilant with that
- Maintain an interest in everything He enjoys - Ummm recently I have failed on this
- Never EVER close my legs to Him (I did this ONCE and have never done it again) - I am vigilant with that
- Never orgasm before He does (I did this not so long ago - fortunately He allowed it to slide) ask permission to orgasm if unsure - I have failed on this
- Never stop sucking His shaft when He tells me to keep going (I did that ONCE and have never done it again) - I have been vigilant with that
- Always wear knickers or a thong, NEVER go without (I did that once and was made to take public photos with NO underwear - I have not done it again) - I have been vigilant with that
- Complete every task He sets as He would expect me to complete it if He were here watching me - I have been pretty good with that
- Never refuse Him anything - Ummm recently I have failed on this
- Try my hardest not to be late online and keep Him waiting - I am pretty good at this
- Never ask for "more" when He has already said NO - I fail EVERY time on this
- Don't even ask to masturbate - I am getting pretty good at not asking
- Never assume - I am getting better on this
- Make sure I pay attention to things He needs to do and remind Him - I am good with this
Sooo there are a couple I need to work on which I am going to put in bold for myself to work on. 13 things out of 38. I am sure there are other items I have failed to list.
Love You Master
Your slave
s
Sunday Morning
My post from Friday was basically right Master informed me last night. Minus a few things.
"Don't you think you would have felt leather on your butt rose?"
"Ahh hmm well I did figure I would have Master but I know you NEVER do anything like that immediately and I imagined it would have come later".
I was correct in that assumption but He did inform me that I most definitely would have experienced it after Tuesday nights performance and it would not have been an experience I enjoyed.
He reiterated He was fuming after Tuesday. When I said "how much? Slamming doors fuming" He replied yes. "Absolutely FUMING". In fact He was so mad with me I didn't actually hear from Him until yesterday afternoon when He got back from London. He simply ignored ALL my texts and did not call me.
Last night He told me He had been too lenient with me. He told me I had gotten away with way too much. Then He told me to hold out my tits to Him on the cam. Which of course I did. I pulled up my top and offered Him my "tits". He refers to them as "tits" I refer to them as "breasts" I find it difficult to say "tits". I don't think I have ever told Him that before, but I do. I find it embarrassing.
Because I lost another half kilo the week just gone we met online and I was privileged to be able to speak with Him. Had I not lost the half kilo I would not have spoken with Him at all this weekend.
Anyway after a period of time where He just looked at my breasts He told me to go and get a glass of wine and come back with no top on. Does He realise how much I panicked when He said that? I doubt not. I went and I tried to compose myself in the kitchen. I am almost never naked when we are in front of the cam. I wondered why He asked me to do that. I was nervous. Extremely conscious.
I walked back into the room with a top on that I could easily slip off, it was cold. I sat down and slipped it off immediately. I had no option whatsoever than to do as He wished. I sat there and we chatted a bit more. He said nothing about my nakedness. I could see myself in the cam. I could see what He could see. I never said I felt self conscious but I did. I wondered whether He asked me to do that so He could tell if I was losing weight. I think it was a combination of things. I think He pretty well knows I would feel self conscious and He wished to humiliate me just a little and I also think He did have me do that so He could possibly compare me naked now as opposed to what He last saw in the flesh and to compare in a few weeks time when I have to loose more weight. He made no comment and sent me to bed to call Him.
It reminded me of the time He sent me to stand in front of the mirror naked for 15 minutes and "look at how fat you are.." that was years and years ago and although He made no mention of anything at all last night, it served as a reminder to myself that I HAVE to keep loosing weight because if I dont, He may make me do it again and say something I may not like, or worse... but I aint sayin' nothin' more on thattTTTtt.
****
I laid in bed naked and called Him. After a period of conversation I was allowed to suck His shaft and then He made me open my legs while He slapped himself against my openness, over and over and over before pushing it inside and using me. After a long while of fucking He pulled from me and flipped me over, pushing my chin into the mattress and forcing my legs open wider as He stood behind and made me reach around and fuck myself with the vibrator.
"HARDER, do you want me to take it from you?"
Its hard to fuck yourself with a vibe in that position but I grunted and fucked wildly back on it while He watched and taunted me.
"Greedy slut, look at that cunt taking it so easily, stretching your fuckhole, MY hole, look how wet you are, do it harder you dirty little slut"
"You do it pleaseeee Master...." the words came out of my mouth before I realised what I said... ohhh shit I thought.
"NO YOU DO IT YOUR DIRTY GIRL"
He growled at me and pulled open my buttocks, exposing my smallest hole to His view as I lifted myself onto my elbows and continued with the vibe.
"I am going to fuck your little hole"
He pulled me apart wider and pushed, His great big shaft against such a tiny opening. A tiny opening that I am very embarrassed to say opens easily for my Master. He pushed in. He was not rough, but He was not gentle, He was going to fuck me that way regardless of whether it hurt me or not. It did not hurt me, as I said I open easily for him, but it does cause a great deal of pressure, particularly when I had to fuck myself with the vibe in my cunt.
He was in and He pulled my hips back onto Him, gripped my hair almost using it as reins and fucked me, fucked me so hard His shaft sunk deep into that velvet tunnel.
We both climaxed and fell in a heap on the bed.
"I didn't tell you to stop fucking yourself..." He said as I stopped collapsing under Him.
I restarted feeling my little swollen clit so sensitive. He only made me keep going for about another minute then He allowed me to stop.
It was some time after that that I begged to suck His shaft again. Now as I was sucking it He made comment "Do you make a habit of sucking shaft after its been in your ass rose?" Fortunately I do not, but the wonders of phone sex make that quite easily overcome! He chuckled into the phone..."You forgot about that did you!" (See we can also joke whilst having sex!) I continued and made Him hard again and He pushed me down and told me to wrap my legs around Him. We made love, well we fucked lovingly (there is a difference) He told me He loved me, I told Him I loved Him, He made me take Him deeper, He told me how wet I was, I started to feel all the emotion well up in side of me and we climaxed again.
My Master was on fire last night. As I dissolved into tears in His arms, as He tried to talk to me and I tried to answer, He pushed me back down on His shaft and made me suck through my rapsy breathing and tears.......and that blog post was written ten minutes after and titled "10 minutes ago" which is below this one.
****
We had to hang up the phone. He told me to go and clean myself up and get something to eat. S & D were due home and I would be allowed to call Him again in around 30 minutes time.
I wrote the post under this one full of love for Him and feeling so close.
****
Later I called Him again and we spoke for an hour. I wanted more and He told me I was greedy. He said "See that is your problem rose you are never satisfied, always so greedy for more, always getting what you want, I have been far too lenient on you, wait for tomorrow for shaft."
"But Master I will have my period tomorrow."
"You always say that rose, you will just have to wait.... look rose there I am giving in to you, what does it matter if you have your period eh? What actually does it matter you can still suck shaft with it cant you? See what I mean rose you are far too greedy and are not thinking of me, I can use your mouth, it is of no consequence to me whether you have your period or not, its not about you rose."
He was right of course. It is of no consequence to Him and I need to think that way. I was being greedy thinking of my own cunt, trying to tell Him that He should fuck me again now in case I miss out due to my period, what a naughty slave right?
He is also correct when He says He has been too lenient, I have pushed Him way too far the last few weeks in many ways. I came very very close to being disastrously punished last week. I had visions of Him taking away my collar for a period of time, I had real visions of that. I was frightened of the outcome. In actual fact now that the week is over His punishment of no contact was light (on reflection, although I hated it at the time) it could have been far worse. He could have beat me with that awful god dam birch and taken my collar and made me serve others for a period of time. That would have been worse. He has only taken my collar once and that was when it broken and when I took too long to get it fixed, when it was fixed he did not allow me to wear it for i think nearly a month. When I do not have my collar on he does not necessarily see me as His slave. It acts as a connection, Master and slave, when it is off He can act (almost) as if He does not care for me. I am fearful of that. I am fearful of it when He acts as if He does not care for me. I flounder. Notice I say "acts" I always know He loves me, but I NEVER under underestimate His ability to follow through a punishment even if it hurts Him. For Him it tests His self control, His control as Master. When I have no collar on it portrays me as a "nothing", worthless, up for anyone's use I guess, when I have His collar I am loved and cherished and he would never allow harm to come to me.
I know He is trying to humble me, having me take my top off was a form of humiliation, taking my little hole (in the way He did it) was a form of humiliation, calling me names (although I love it, it does make me feel dirty, slutty, owned and very slave), watching while He makes me fuck myself, He is teaching and reminding me all over again, that He can do as He wishes with me and I must comply. I do not have the right to question Him at the moment, I have lost that privilege and even when I did have that privilege I abused it and now have to prove my worthiness again and He has to be stricter than normal to rectify my behaviour I guess.
I don't mean I had the privilege to question Him over everything, but He did allow me to voice my opinion, or question something I did not like, without pulling me up for it. Now I know better to question anything at the moment. I am walking a very thin tightrope and it makes me a little nervous. I know one tiny little falter either way and I am going to be one sorry slave.
Anyway I have rambled enough. He is right I am greedy, but its because I simply cannot get enough of Him and dream about the day when we can be together and that the really good times we do have together I just want more and more of and more of and more of and more of. I doubt I would ever reach a stage where I begged for no more. I don't think I would ever get tired of fucking or being fucked. I dont think He could ever make me say "Please NO more Master"!
Smiles
I Love you so much Master. Thank you for being you.
s
"Don't you think you would have felt leather on your butt rose?"
"Ahh hmm well I did figure I would have Master but I know you NEVER do anything like that immediately and I imagined it would have come later".
I was correct in that assumption but He did inform me that I most definitely would have experienced it after Tuesday nights performance and it would not have been an experience I enjoyed.
He reiterated He was fuming after Tuesday. When I said "how much? Slamming doors fuming" He replied yes. "Absolutely FUMING". In fact He was so mad with me I didn't actually hear from Him until yesterday afternoon when He got back from London. He simply ignored ALL my texts and did not call me.
Last night He told me He had been too lenient with me. He told me I had gotten away with way too much. Then He told me to hold out my tits to Him on the cam. Which of course I did. I pulled up my top and offered Him my "tits". He refers to them as "tits" I refer to them as "breasts" I find it difficult to say "tits". I don't think I have ever told Him that before, but I do. I find it embarrassing.
Because I lost another half kilo the week just gone we met online and I was privileged to be able to speak with Him. Had I not lost the half kilo I would not have spoken with Him at all this weekend.
Anyway after a period of time where He just looked at my breasts He told me to go and get a glass of wine and come back with no top on. Does He realise how much I panicked when He said that? I doubt not. I went and I tried to compose myself in the kitchen. I am almost never naked when we are in front of the cam. I wondered why He asked me to do that. I was nervous. Extremely conscious.
I walked back into the room with a top on that I could easily slip off, it was cold. I sat down and slipped it off immediately. I had no option whatsoever than to do as He wished. I sat there and we chatted a bit more. He said nothing about my nakedness. I could see myself in the cam. I could see what He could see. I never said I felt self conscious but I did. I wondered whether He asked me to do that so He could tell if I was losing weight. I think it was a combination of things. I think He pretty well knows I would feel self conscious and He wished to humiliate me just a little and I also think He did have me do that so He could possibly compare me naked now as opposed to what He last saw in the flesh and to compare in a few weeks time when I have to loose more weight. He made no comment and sent me to bed to call Him.
It reminded me of the time He sent me to stand in front of the mirror naked for 15 minutes and "look at how fat you are.." that was years and years ago and although He made no mention of anything at all last night, it served as a reminder to myself that I HAVE to keep loosing weight because if I dont, He may make me do it again and say something I may not like, or worse... but I aint sayin' nothin' more on thattTTTtt.
****
I laid in bed naked and called Him. After a period of conversation I was allowed to suck His shaft and then He made me open my legs while He slapped himself against my openness, over and over and over before pushing it inside and using me. After a long while of fucking He pulled from me and flipped me over, pushing my chin into the mattress and forcing my legs open wider as He stood behind and made me reach around and fuck myself with the vibrator.
"HARDER, do you want me to take it from you?"
Its hard to fuck yourself with a vibe in that position but I grunted and fucked wildly back on it while He watched and taunted me.
"Greedy slut, look at that cunt taking it so easily, stretching your fuckhole, MY hole, look how wet you are, do it harder you dirty little slut"
"You do it pleaseeee Master...." the words came out of my mouth before I realised what I said... ohhh shit I thought.
"NO YOU DO IT YOUR DIRTY GIRL"
He growled at me and pulled open my buttocks, exposing my smallest hole to His view as I lifted myself onto my elbows and continued with the vibe.
"I am going to fuck your little hole"
He pulled me apart wider and pushed, His great big shaft against such a tiny opening. A tiny opening that I am very embarrassed to say opens easily for my Master. He pushed in. He was not rough, but He was not gentle, He was going to fuck me that way regardless of whether it hurt me or not. It did not hurt me, as I said I open easily for him, but it does cause a great deal of pressure, particularly when I had to fuck myself with the vibe in my cunt.
He was in and He pulled my hips back onto Him, gripped my hair almost using it as reins and fucked me, fucked me so hard His shaft sunk deep into that velvet tunnel.
We both climaxed and fell in a heap on the bed.
"I didn't tell you to stop fucking yourself..." He said as I stopped collapsing under Him.
I restarted feeling my little swollen clit so sensitive. He only made me keep going for about another minute then He allowed me to stop.
It was some time after that that I begged to suck His shaft again. Now as I was sucking it He made comment "Do you make a habit of sucking shaft after its been in your ass rose?" Fortunately I do not, but the wonders of phone sex make that quite easily overcome! He chuckled into the phone..."You forgot about that did you!" (See we can also joke whilst having sex!) I continued and made Him hard again and He pushed me down and told me to wrap my legs around Him. We made love, well we fucked lovingly (there is a difference) He told me He loved me, I told Him I loved Him, He made me take Him deeper, He told me how wet I was, I started to feel all the emotion well up in side of me and we climaxed again.
My Master was on fire last night. As I dissolved into tears in His arms, as He tried to talk to me and I tried to answer, He pushed me back down on His shaft and made me suck through my rapsy breathing and tears.......and that blog post was written ten minutes after and titled "10 minutes ago" which is below this one.
****
We had to hang up the phone. He told me to go and clean myself up and get something to eat. S & D were due home and I would be allowed to call Him again in around 30 minutes time.
I wrote the post under this one full of love for Him and feeling so close.
****
Later I called Him again and we spoke for an hour. I wanted more and He told me I was greedy. He said "See that is your problem rose you are never satisfied, always so greedy for more, always getting what you want, I have been far too lenient on you, wait for tomorrow for shaft."
"But Master I will have my period tomorrow."
"You always say that rose, you will just have to wait.... look rose there I am giving in to you, what does it matter if you have your period eh? What actually does it matter you can still suck shaft with it cant you? See what I mean rose you are far too greedy and are not thinking of me, I can use your mouth, it is of no consequence to me whether you have your period or not, its not about you rose."
He was right of course. It is of no consequence to Him and I need to think that way. I was being greedy thinking of my own cunt, trying to tell Him that He should fuck me again now in case I miss out due to my period, what a naughty slave right?
He is also correct when He says He has been too lenient, I have pushed Him way too far the last few weeks in many ways. I came very very close to being disastrously punished last week. I had visions of Him taking away my collar for a period of time, I had real visions of that. I was frightened of the outcome. In actual fact now that the week is over His punishment of no contact was light (on reflection, although I hated it at the time) it could have been far worse. He could have beat me with that awful god dam birch and taken my collar and made me serve others for a period of time. That would have been worse. He has only taken my collar once and that was when it broken and when I took too long to get it fixed, when it was fixed he did not allow me to wear it for i think nearly a month. When I do not have my collar on he does not necessarily see me as His slave. It acts as a connection, Master and slave, when it is off He can act (almost) as if He does not care for me. I am fearful of that. I am fearful of it when He acts as if He does not care for me. I flounder. Notice I say "acts" I always know He loves me, but I NEVER under underestimate His ability to follow through a punishment even if it hurts Him. For Him it tests His self control, His control as Master. When I have no collar on it portrays me as a "nothing", worthless, up for anyone's use I guess, when I have His collar I am loved and cherished and he would never allow harm to come to me.
I know He is trying to humble me, having me take my top off was a form of humiliation, taking my little hole (in the way He did it) was a form of humiliation, calling me names (although I love it, it does make me feel dirty, slutty, owned and very slave), watching while He makes me fuck myself, He is teaching and reminding me all over again, that He can do as He wishes with me and I must comply. I do not have the right to question Him at the moment, I have lost that privilege and even when I did have that privilege I abused it and now have to prove my worthiness again and He has to be stricter than normal to rectify my behaviour I guess.
I don't mean I had the privilege to question Him over everything, but He did allow me to voice my opinion, or question something I did not like, without pulling me up for it. Now I know better to question anything at the moment. I am walking a very thin tightrope and it makes me a little nervous. I know one tiny little falter either way and I am going to be one sorry slave.
Anyway I have rambled enough. He is right I am greedy, but its because I simply cannot get enough of Him and dream about the day when we can be together and that the really good times we do have together I just want more and more of and more of and more of and more of. I doubt I would ever reach a stage where I begged for no more. I don't think I would ever get tired of fucking or being fucked. I dont think He could ever make me say "Please NO more Master"!
Smiles
I Love you so much Master. Thank you for being you.
s
Saturday, June 27, 2009
10 Minutes ago
Have you ever climaxed whilst sniffing from crying, actually have you ever cried and been told to clean your Master's shaft and gagged and sniffed the whole way through but been so turned on and vulnerable that when He asks if you want fucking again and tells you to wrap your legs around Him and starts off so slowly and then asks if you can take it deeper and you sniff and have tears pouring down your face then start moaning and whimpering because it feels so good and He is taking you even though you are on the verge of crying again and He keeps going and you love it and the more you love it the more you love Him and you feel Him closer and closer and He feels that closeness and picks up on your vulnerability and it turns Him on and then it turns you on but it makes you cry harder and it makes you want to cry more and then suddenly you are on the brink of orgasm like He is also and you sob and really sob and yet its a good sob yet its a crying sob and you build to a crescendo and.....
and you cry immediately afterwards and He pulls you up and kisses you and tells you how much He loves you?
I have.
Love You Master
s
and you cry immediately afterwards and He pulls you up and kisses you and tells you how much He loves you?
I have.
Love You Master
s
Friday, June 26, 2009
If only I could peel onions
It was Tuesday night and rosie and her Master were at home. Well He had only just gotten home. She was looking forward to His arrival, as the night before He had told her that He wished to use her hard on Tuesday. She had prepared herself for Him. She was bathed and clean, smelling fresh. Her cunt was shaved as He likes it, with a thin line going up her mound. Her legs were shaved and her toenails painted. Her fingernails french polished and she was wearing nothing but stockings and a big white linen shirt and of course perfume, but not sickly perfume, perfume that just wafted into His nostrils as she moved near Him.
She meet Him at the door on her knees. Her thighs slightly splayed, her mound still glistening from her bath, her clit rubbed and ready, swollen and poking out from the folds of her labia. Her clithood bar was shining teasingly at Him.
As He walked in the door she smiled mischievously.
"Hmmm 8 minutes late Master".
He looked at her.
"I suppose I will forgive it THIS time Master but be sure not to let it happen again".
"Really" He said.
She nodded and lowered her face so that she could hide the smirk on her face.
He walked past her and she was a little annoyed. She should have known then that perhaps His day had not been too great. She shuffled a little and stood up following Him.
"Did you read my blog at work Master?"
"Yes, I told you amber was more brown than red".
"I was not denying that Master I was merely pointing out that it could be red".
"Yes but brown is more common rose".
"Yes Master I KNOW that but…."
He looked at her and she looked at Him. She should have stopped there.
"And did you book the accommodation?"
"No, I cant book the accommodation yet because…."
"And did you read the synopsis of the book I wrote about Master?"
"No I didn’t read the synopsis rose, but I know which one it is now, it’s the one with Danny in it right?"
"Well that’s great Master I thought you might have said thank you and at least read the synopsis, I took time to look that up for you and time to research about amber and I REMEMBERED to remind you about the accommodation…"
He was silent as He walked into the kitchen and she followed behind. He placed his coat on the back of the chair, His back to her and turned to put the kettle on.
"At least you could have read it Master, I wont bother in future, I will delete the posts, I wont bother reminding you or researching anything you never read it anyway…." She continued, pushing, inching just a little further into the deep dark recess of the hole that suddenly appeared at her feet.
Her voice filtered off as He turned slowly and glared at her, His eyes blacker than she had ever seen them before. She stood before Him and held her breath, her heart sinking deep into the bottom of her belly, her belly turning circles, she felt a little sweat form on her upper lip and under her armpits. He looked at her intensely, controlled, oh so controlled, His eyes blank and dark. There was no care in them, there was nothing but anger.
"You know rose I really am sick and tired of you bitching at me, I am gonna go out, you have killed the mood I was in now, I will see you later when you are not so hostile."
"But Master, no, no please no, I am fine, I am sorry, I was joking about you being late…"
"Rose you bitched yesterday, you have bitched today, sleep well and improve your mood, don’t ring my phone, I will not answer it and just get more pissed off".
With that, He was gone, out the door into the night.
She was dumbfounded. She had gone too far. She had not expected Him to explode like that. She can only remember once before seeing His eyes so dark. She knew better than to go after Him, she knew better than to call His phone so she went to bed and slipped into a restless sleep.
****
He did not come home that night, but in the early hours of the morning, He had been to His mate's place and they had sat and talked for a lot of the night and had a few ports. She was not out of bed when He arrived home, she smiled at Him as he came into the bedroom and she pulled the covers from her body, opening her legs, offering herself to Him. He glared at her for not being out of bed and He glared at her in stony silence as she laid there, open, wanting, yearning for Him to forgive her. She quickly scrambled to her feet and made Him a cup of tea. He did not speak to her at all, but ignored her and put the television on with the morning news. It was freezing outside and she had also let the fire go out over night. Usually He would attend to the fire, although she always brought in the wood, then she noticed. She had not brought in the wood the day before, she had been too busy getting ready for His homecoming. She shivered, still in her white shirt, minus the stockings and minus her knickers. He pointed to the woodbox.
"I am sorry Master I...."
"You best fill it up rose it is freezing in here, off you go."
She went to put on some clothes and He spoke, softly and very controlled...
"NO... as you are..."
She dare not argue but went quickly out the back in the rain and started to gather the chopped wood. She knew it would take her three armfuls to load up the wood box and she shivered, getting splinters of wood over her white top, her feet freezing almost to the ground (well that is how it felt to her) "it is raining not snowing" she told herself "a little rain doesn't hurt anyone" she told herself again and forced herself to place a nice smile on her face as she went back and forth loading the woodbox while He sat in His chair drinking His tea and watching the news.
Finally the woodbox filled she knelt to set the fire, the hearth was a little black from yesterday's fire, she had not cleaned it. She got charcoal on her knees and over her white top which was now resembling grey. She pushed the hair from her face as she bent forward on her knees and lit the fire.
"Go and run the bath rose, you are filthy, while it is running get the sewing kit out please"
He went to turn the taps on in the bathroom and then realised, because she had the fire going, she had turned off the central heating and the water was coming out luke warm. She went back into the lounge room, turning the taps off.
"Master is there anything else I can get you? breakfast perhaps? I will have a bath later, the water has gone cold I need to wait for the central heating to warm up a bit."
"Rose you will have a bath now, go and TURN IT BACK ON and GET the sewing box".
She looked at Him, shivering in her wet shirt, standing as close to the fire as she could get. He glared back at her.
"Rose, do not dare defy me, just do it."
She scampered back to the bathroom and turned the hot tap on all the way. It came out coldish, she ran to the spare room and took down the sewing kit and took it back to her Master.
"Thank you rose, now make sure you fill the bath nice and high like you like it girl, I would not wish for you to have a small bath, I know you like to lay in it and pamper yourself, and while you are waiting for it to run another tea please".
He stood up and went to check the bathroom, noting to Himself that the bath was almost full, full of almost cold water, not quite cold, but cold enough not to want to get into it. He didn't care. He was so annoyed, so cross with her, He simply did not care that she was having a cold bath. She deserved punishing and He was beyond being easily appeased.
She had really annoyed Him the night before. He had had a busy day, He had been looking forward to fucking His slut. He needed to fuck her, He needed to feel His shaft inside her tight little cunt. He wanted to use her, tease her. He had wanted to torment her and feel and witness her submission. He wanted to see her face, His face, His girl's face as she struggled to tame her need. He wanted to take her and then make love to her. He adored His slave. She had angered Him, she should have known better to question Him. She had ruined it for Him, yet her purpose was to please Him. Who did she think she was? A little prima donna making demands of Him? She has no place to do that. As His slave she does not have the right to make demands, nor threaten Him. The more He thought about it the angrier He became again. He turned off the hot and ran in some cold. The bath was now full.
He stalked back to the lounge room and looked at her with disdain as she handed Him the cup of tea. He rummaged in the sewing kit and found what He was looking for.
"Off you go rose, off to have your bath, 20 minutes at least in there while you clean yourself, relax and enjoy yourself, I know how much you like to satisfy your own needs".
He handed her a thimble.
She looked at Him, tears welling up in her eyes. but tears would not work, even though the tears were genuine, she was not crying to be manipulative, they just would not help her quandary one little bit. Her Master was way beyond being placated, she knew that and it hurt, it hurt her so much because He was fed up, displeased, so much so that He treated her as if she was nothing to Him. She knew she was, but it hurt that He could and would follow through with His anger. That is why she cried.
"Thimble Master?"
"Yep"
"But..."
"When you are finished, empty the bath with the thimble into the sink. I do not expect you to be finished in under 3 hours, there will be no point in dressing before you do that rose, you will only get wet, so you may as well do it naked, don't hurt your back bending over the tub, nor your knees kneeling on the marble floor."
She looked at Him meekly, her face full of remorse, the tears sliding down her face and her nose beginning to run.
"Yes Master."
She turned and went to the bathroom. He heard her intake of breath and the splash of water as she sunk her feet and then her bottom into the porcelain tub.
****
After she had completed her bath and removed the water with the thimble to His satisfaction He
allowed her to dress and warm herself briefly by the fire. He knees were too sore to kneel so He had her sit with her legs crossed, her back to the fire to ease the ache.
He looked at her. His eyes were still smouldering. She shuffled and moved around a little, straightening and then bending forward, trying to ease her aching body.
"I am sorry Master" She looked up at Him as He sat comfortably in His chair.
"Hmm" He continued to stare at her until she had to look away. She hated seeing His eyes so empty of compassion, or any sort of passion for her. His eyes looked at her as if she were nothing of interest to Him. He made her feel that way. Although she knew He loved and cared for her, it was the way He could completely switch that emotion off that hurt her.
"Who owns you rose?"
"You do Master"
"And what are you rose?"
"I am your slave Master"
"And what is your purpose rose?"
"To please You Master"
She looked down.
"LOOK AT ME".
She jolted her head up as He growled at her and looked at Him.
"You are my property rose, you have no right to defy me, nor question in the manner you did last night. You were completely out of order, not just last night but on other occasions which I do not feel the need to cover right now. I will do what I want, when I want to do it. I do NOT have to justify whether or not I have read anything you write, nor should I actually have to sit here and go through this with you."
"Yes Master"
"Now go to another room, I do not wish to see you."
"Yes Master."
She left the room and went to the kitchen and blindly, through more tears set about cleaning out the cupboards.
He laid back in His chair and fell asleep with the paper on his lap, the fire smouldering and flashing red, unlike His eyes which even when asleep were dark beneath His lids.
****
Hours later she crept silently back to the longe room to stoke the fire and put more wood on it. She had brought Him another cup of tea but rather than wake him she placed it on his side table. He awoke as she set it down. The day had turned to darkness and the room was dim. As He awoke and His eyes fluttered open, before He realised that He had been asleep, she thought she saw Him focus on her face and she thought she saw love, but it quickly changed again to darkness and blank.
"A cup of tea Master, I am sorry for waking You"
"Thank you rose"
I have made dinner for you Master, its almost ready, bacon roll with pease pudding, would you like some now?"
"He slurped His tea, nah, I dont fancy that rose, I would prefer a home made pork pie."
She gasped. She had lovingly prepared one of his favorties, she was trying so hard.
"I um... a pork pie Master?"
"Yep"
"But that takes forever Master and it will not be ready tonight to eat"
"Oh it will be when I get home, I am going out shortly" He replied.
She managed to keep the tears from springing out of her eyes this time.
"Yes Master."
"You may as well start on it now rose, by the time you mince up the pork belly, make the pastry, add all the ingredients and cook it it will be just about ready for me to eat."
"When you have finished go to bed."
With that He got up and went to the bedroom to change and walked out of the house for the night.
****
It was around 1am in the morning when she slipped into bed. His pie was cooked, she was exahusted. She knew that His mood was likely to continue for a couple of days. She knew Him well enough to know that it takes a very long time for Him to lose His temper, but sometimes even longer for Him to forgive her.
She slept in darkness and without light. She slept until He came home.
****
She awoke with a jolt as she heard His car enter their drive from the highway. It was a long drive. They lived on the outskirts of the city, far enough away to be secluded, but close enough to be able to travel easily to the centre of the city when they wished. She could always hear His car before it arrived. Her feet hit the floor before she woke properly, she was determined to try and please Him, she rushed to the front door and knelt in her white cotton knickers and a white cotton top. She parted her thighs, placed her hands on her knees and lowered her eyes, once again for the second time in a couple of days her heart raced, her belly flipped, her face flushed.
He walked in.
He walked in and straight past her.
"What are you doing up rose?"
He damanded the answer as He want straight to the bathroom and used the toilet, looking over His shoulder as she folded slightly, her back to Him, still kneeling, reeling in position.
"Sorry Master I... just....."
She stood and watched Him as He buttoned up His jeans.
"Back to bed, I am going to eat."
"Oh Master let me cut the pie for You?"
"Ahh its not even cut yet? Hmm"
She rushed to the kitchen and cut her pork pie, she placed it on a plate and put some pickles with it, some of His favorite cheese and poured Him a glass of port. She took it to the lounge for Him and placed it beside Him.
"I hope You enjoy it Master, I shall go to bed now...?"
He nodded.
She turned and slowly, despondently walked from the room and curled back up in their bed. She missed Him. She missed His touch. She missed His smell and she missed His fingers snaking around her body sneaking into crevices that she was sometimes unaware she had. Her heart sank and she fell asleep.
****
Sometime later, although it felt like hours to her (it was only 30 minutes) she heard Him before she felt Him get into bed beside her.
He whispered into the back of her neck as she faced the window and He slid into the bed.
"Ahhh defying me again rose? turn around".
She turned and He kissed her deeply on the mouth. She tasted the pickles from His lips and could taste the sage she had put in the pie.
She responded to His kiss and melted her body against His. She thought she heard Him sigh with contentment and momentarily "felt" Him before He griped her hair harshly and pushed her down to His shaft, pining her head down hard into His pelvis, the air exploded from her nostrils as she gagged and then started to suck.
He continued to hold her face down, He continued to push her bobbing head as she came up for air. Then suddenly He pulled her upwards. There was a popping noise as His shaft was taken from her mouth. She felt it against her thigh as He dragged her upwards, before roughly ripping at the cotton of her knickers, tugging on them harshly, muttering and pulling hard listening to them tear. He pinched her nipples harshly through her top and removed it roughly from her.
"Turn over"
She turned and laid face on the bed, the crevice of her buttocks stinging slightly from where her panites had been ripped off. He pushed His knee up into her cunt and roughly opened her legs then pulled her from the waist so she was on all fours.
"Open up your cunt with you fingers I am going to fuck you"
She reached around and opened herself wide and felt Him spear her fuckhole. It was tight.
"Now push back you fuck. Push back and show me who you belong to."
She grunted against Him, fucking back on Him as hard as she could. He slapped her bottom hard, making her jolt. Each time she jolted He pulled on her hair. One hand in her hair, the other smacking her.
"Come on you dirty little fucker".
She groaned and felt Him tighten. His grip tightened on her hair. She moaned, cried out, it hurt. His grip hurt. He pulled Himself out of her and guided her to the floor.
"Suck"
He exploded. Not in her mouth, not over her face. He didnt accidentialy misguide His stream of semen. He pulled from her and released himself on her breasts.
"Dirty little fuck"
He pulled her into Him, against His shaft as He came and He lent down and bit on her bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth. Did He draw blood? She thought He did. She breathed raspy breaths against Him. Her face buried. Her chest covered in His semen.
He groaned and looked at her, tilted her head back. She thought she could see a flash of something in His eyes as He looked at her in the darkeness. He pulled her to her feet and pushed her gently onto the bed.
"Sleep now rose, you have 500 small onions to peel tomorrow for pickling"
She laid in their bed and He turned her back to her. She curled into Him, spooning and laid her arm across His and over Him. He took her hand and she listened to him sleep.
Tomorrow wold be another day....
****
I would empty two bath tubs of water with a thimble, I would peel 700 onions, if only I could see Him, if only we could argue and make up.
Disappointing Him would be so much easier if we did not live apart. At least I could make Him cups of tea.
I love You Master.
s
She meet Him at the door on her knees. Her thighs slightly splayed, her mound still glistening from her bath, her clit rubbed and ready, swollen and poking out from the folds of her labia. Her clithood bar was shining teasingly at Him.
As He walked in the door she smiled mischievously.
"Hmmm 8 minutes late Master".
He looked at her.
"I suppose I will forgive it THIS time Master but be sure not to let it happen again".
"Really" He said.
She nodded and lowered her face so that she could hide the smirk on her face.
He walked past her and she was a little annoyed. She should have known then that perhaps His day had not been too great. She shuffled a little and stood up following Him.
"Did you read my blog at work Master?"
"Yes, I told you amber was more brown than red".
"I was not denying that Master I was merely pointing out that it could be red".
"Yes but brown is more common rose".
"Yes Master I KNOW that but…."
He looked at her and she looked at Him. She should have stopped there.
"And did you book the accommodation?"
"No, I cant book the accommodation yet because…."
"And did you read the synopsis of the book I wrote about Master?"
"No I didn’t read the synopsis rose, but I know which one it is now, it’s the one with Danny in it right?"
"Well that’s great Master I thought you might have said thank you and at least read the synopsis, I took time to look that up for you and time to research about amber and I REMEMBERED to remind you about the accommodation…"
He was silent as He walked into the kitchen and she followed behind. He placed his coat on the back of the chair, His back to her and turned to put the kettle on.
"At least you could have read it Master, I wont bother in future, I will delete the posts, I wont bother reminding you or researching anything you never read it anyway…." She continued, pushing, inching just a little further into the deep dark recess of the hole that suddenly appeared at her feet.
Her voice filtered off as He turned slowly and glared at her, His eyes blacker than she had ever seen them before. She stood before Him and held her breath, her heart sinking deep into the bottom of her belly, her belly turning circles, she felt a little sweat form on her upper lip and under her armpits. He looked at her intensely, controlled, oh so controlled, His eyes blank and dark. There was no care in them, there was nothing but anger.
"You know rose I really am sick and tired of you bitching at me, I am gonna go out, you have killed the mood I was in now, I will see you later when you are not so hostile."
"But Master, no, no please no, I am fine, I am sorry, I was joking about you being late…"
"Rose you bitched yesterday, you have bitched today, sleep well and improve your mood, don’t ring my phone, I will not answer it and just get more pissed off".
With that, He was gone, out the door into the night.
She was dumbfounded. She had gone too far. She had not expected Him to explode like that. She can only remember once before seeing His eyes so dark. She knew better than to go after Him, she knew better than to call His phone so she went to bed and slipped into a restless sleep.
****
He did not come home that night, but in the early hours of the morning, He had been to His mate's place and they had sat and talked for a lot of the night and had a few ports. She was not out of bed when He arrived home, she smiled at Him as he came into the bedroom and she pulled the covers from her body, opening her legs, offering herself to Him. He glared at her for not being out of bed and He glared at her in stony silence as she laid there, open, wanting, yearning for Him to forgive her. She quickly scrambled to her feet and made Him a cup of tea. He did not speak to her at all, but ignored her and put the television on with the morning news. It was freezing outside and she had also let the fire go out over night. Usually He would attend to the fire, although she always brought in the wood, then she noticed. She had not brought in the wood the day before, she had been too busy getting ready for His homecoming. She shivered, still in her white shirt, minus the stockings and minus her knickers. He pointed to the woodbox.
"I am sorry Master I...."
"You best fill it up rose it is freezing in here, off you go."
She went to put on some clothes and He spoke, softly and very controlled...
"NO... as you are..."
She dare not argue but went quickly out the back in the rain and started to gather the chopped wood. She knew it would take her three armfuls to load up the wood box and she shivered, getting splinters of wood over her white top, her feet freezing almost to the ground (well that is how it felt to her) "it is raining not snowing" she told herself "a little rain doesn't hurt anyone" she told herself again and forced herself to place a nice smile on her face as she went back and forth loading the woodbox while He sat in His chair drinking His tea and watching the news.
Finally the woodbox filled she knelt to set the fire, the hearth was a little black from yesterday's fire, she had not cleaned it. She got charcoal on her knees and over her white top which was now resembling grey. She pushed the hair from her face as she bent forward on her knees and lit the fire.
"Go and run the bath rose, you are filthy, while it is running get the sewing kit out please"
He went to turn the taps on in the bathroom and then realised, because she had the fire going, she had turned off the central heating and the water was coming out luke warm. She went back into the lounge room, turning the taps off.
"Master is there anything else I can get you? breakfast perhaps? I will have a bath later, the water has gone cold I need to wait for the central heating to warm up a bit."
"Rose you will have a bath now, go and TURN IT BACK ON and GET the sewing box".
She looked at Him, shivering in her wet shirt, standing as close to the fire as she could get. He glared back at her.
"Rose, do not dare defy me, just do it."
She scampered back to the bathroom and turned the hot tap on all the way. It came out coldish, she ran to the spare room and took down the sewing kit and took it back to her Master.
"Thank you rose, now make sure you fill the bath nice and high like you like it girl, I would not wish for you to have a small bath, I know you like to lay in it and pamper yourself, and while you are waiting for it to run another tea please".
He stood up and went to check the bathroom, noting to Himself that the bath was almost full, full of almost cold water, not quite cold, but cold enough not to want to get into it. He didn't care. He was so annoyed, so cross with her, He simply did not care that she was having a cold bath. She deserved punishing and He was beyond being easily appeased.
She had really annoyed Him the night before. He had had a busy day, He had been looking forward to fucking His slut. He needed to fuck her, He needed to feel His shaft inside her tight little cunt. He wanted to use her, tease her. He had wanted to torment her and feel and witness her submission. He wanted to see her face, His face, His girl's face as she struggled to tame her need. He wanted to take her and then make love to her. He adored His slave. She had angered Him, she should have known better to question Him. She had ruined it for Him, yet her purpose was to please Him. Who did she think she was? A little prima donna making demands of Him? She has no place to do that. As His slave she does not have the right to make demands, nor threaten Him. The more He thought about it the angrier He became again. He turned off the hot and ran in some cold. The bath was now full.
He stalked back to the lounge room and looked at her with disdain as she handed Him the cup of tea. He rummaged in the sewing kit and found what He was looking for.
"Off you go rose, off to have your bath, 20 minutes at least in there while you clean yourself, relax and enjoy yourself, I know how much you like to satisfy your own needs".
He handed her a thimble.
She looked at Him, tears welling up in her eyes. but tears would not work, even though the tears were genuine, she was not crying to be manipulative, they just would not help her quandary one little bit. Her Master was way beyond being placated, she knew that and it hurt, it hurt her so much because He was fed up, displeased, so much so that He treated her as if she was nothing to Him. She knew she was, but it hurt that He could and would follow through with His anger. That is why she cried.
"Thimble Master?"
"Yep"
"But..."
"When you are finished, empty the bath with the thimble into the sink. I do not expect you to be finished in under 3 hours, there will be no point in dressing before you do that rose, you will only get wet, so you may as well do it naked, don't hurt your back bending over the tub, nor your knees kneeling on the marble floor."
She looked at Him meekly, her face full of remorse, the tears sliding down her face and her nose beginning to run.
"Yes Master."
She turned and went to the bathroom. He heard her intake of breath and the splash of water as she sunk her feet and then her bottom into the porcelain tub.
****
After she had completed her bath and removed the water with the thimble to His satisfaction He
allowed her to dress and warm herself briefly by the fire. He knees were too sore to kneel so He had her sit with her legs crossed, her back to the fire to ease the ache.
He looked at her. His eyes were still smouldering. She shuffled and moved around a little, straightening and then bending forward, trying to ease her aching body.
"I am sorry Master" She looked up at Him as He sat comfortably in His chair.
"Hmm" He continued to stare at her until she had to look away. She hated seeing His eyes so empty of compassion, or any sort of passion for her. His eyes looked at her as if she were nothing of interest to Him. He made her feel that way. Although she knew He loved and cared for her, it was the way He could completely switch that emotion off that hurt her.
"Who owns you rose?"
"You do Master"
"And what are you rose?"
"I am your slave Master"
"And what is your purpose rose?"
"To please You Master"
She looked down.
"LOOK AT ME".
She jolted her head up as He growled at her and looked at Him.
"You are my property rose, you have no right to defy me, nor question in the manner you did last night. You were completely out of order, not just last night but on other occasions which I do not feel the need to cover right now. I will do what I want, when I want to do it. I do NOT have to justify whether or not I have read anything you write, nor should I actually have to sit here and go through this with you."
"Yes Master"
"Now go to another room, I do not wish to see you."
"Yes Master."
She left the room and went to the kitchen and blindly, through more tears set about cleaning out the cupboards.
He laid back in His chair and fell asleep with the paper on his lap, the fire smouldering and flashing red, unlike His eyes which even when asleep were dark beneath His lids.
****
Hours later she crept silently back to the longe room to stoke the fire and put more wood on it. She had brought Him another cup of tea but rather than wake him she placed it on his side table. He awoke as she set it down. The day had turned to darkness and the room was dim. As He awoke and His eyes fluttered open, before He realised that He had been asleep, she thought she saw Him focus on her face and she thought she saw love, but it quickly changed again to darkness and blank.
"A cup of tea Master, I am sorry for waking You"
"Thank you rose"
I have made dinner for you Master, its almost ready, bacon roll with pease pudding, would you like some now?"
"He slurped His tea, nah, I dont fancy that rose, I would prefer a home made pork pie."
She gasped. She had lovingly prepared one of his favorties, she was trying so hard.
"I um... a pork pie Master?"
"Yep"
"But that takes forever Master and it will not be ready tonight to eat"
"Oh it will be when I get home, I am going out shortly" He replied.
She managed to keep the tears from springing out of her eyes this time.
"Yes Master."
"You may as well start on it now rose, by the time you mince up the pork belly, make the pastry, add all the ingredients and cook it it will be just about ready for me to eat."
"When you have finished go to bed."
With that He got up and went to the bedroom to change and walked out of the house for the night.
****
It was around 1am in the morning when she slipped into bed. His pie was cooked, she was exahusted. She knew that His mood was likely to continue for a couple of days. She knew Him well enough to know that it takes a very long time for Him to lose His temper, but sometimes even longer for Him to forgive her.
She slept in darkness and without light. She slept until He came home.
****
She awoke with a jolt as she heard His car enter their drive from the highway. It was a long drive. They lived on the outskirts of the city, far enough away to be secluded, but close enough to be able to travel easily to the centre of the city when they wished. She could always hear His car before it arrived. Her feet hit the floor before she woke properly, she was determined to try and please Him, she rushed to the front door and knelt in her white cotton knickers and a white cotton top. She parted her thighs, placed her hands on her knees and lowered her eyes, once again for the second time in a couple of days her heart raced, her belly flipped, her face flushed.
He walked in.
He walked in and straight past her.
"What are you doing up rose?"
He damanded the answer as He want straight to the bathroom and used the toilet, looking over His shoulder as she folded slightly, her back to Him, still kneeling, reeling in position.
"Sorry Master I... just....."
She stood and watched Him as He buttoned up His jeans.
"Back to bed, I am going to eat."
"Oh Master let me cut the pie for You?"
"Ahh its not even cut yet? Hmm"
She rushed to the kitchen and cut her pork pie, she placed it on a plate and put some pickles with it, some of His favorite cheese and poured Him a glass of port. She took it to the lounge for Him and placed it beside Him.
"I hope You enjoy it Master, I shall go to bed now...?"
He nodded.
She turned and slowly, despondently walked from the room and curled back up in their bed. She missed Him. She missed His touch. She missed His smell and she missed His fingers snaking around her body sneaking into crevices that she was sometimes unaware she had. Her heart sank and she fell asleep.
****
Sometime later, although it felt like hours to her (it was only 30 minutes) she heard Him before she felt Him get into bed beside her.
He whispered into the back of her neck as she faced the window and He slid into the bed.
"Ahhh defying me again rose? turn around".
She turned and He kissed her deeply on the mouth. She tasted the pickles from His lips and could taste the sage she had put in the pie.
She responded to His kiss and melted her body against His. She thought she heard Him sigh with contentment and momentarily "felt" Him before He griped her hair harshly and pushed her down to His shaft, pining her head down hard into His pelvis, the air exploded from her nostrils as she gagged and then started to suck.
He continued to hold her face down, He continued to push her bobbing head as she came up for air. Then suddenly He pulled her upwards. There was a popping noise as His shaft was taken from her mouth. She felt it against her thigh as He dragged her upwards, before roughly ripping at the cotton of her knickers, tugging on them harshly, muttering and pulling hard listening to them tear. He pinched her nipples harshly through her top and removed it roughly from her.
"Turn over"
She turned and laid face on the bed, the crevice of her buttocks stinging slightly from where her panites had been ripped off. He pushed His knee up into her cunt and roughly opened her legs then pulled her from the waist so she was on all fours.
"Open up your cunt with you fingers I am going to fuck you"
She reached around and opened herself wide and felt Him spear her fuckhole. It was tight.
"Now push back you fuck. Push back and show me who you belong to."
She grunted against Him, fucking back on Him as hard as she could. He slapped her bottom hard, making her jolt. Each time she jolted He pulled on her hair. One hand in her hair, the other smacking her.
"Come on you dirty little fucker".
She groaned and felt Him tighten. His grip tightened on her hair. She moaned, cried out, it hurt. His grip hurt. He pulled Himself out of her and guided her to the floor.
"Suck"
He exploded. Not in her mouth, not over her face. He didnt accidentialy misguide His stream of semen. He pulled from her and released himself on her breasts.
"Dirty little fuck"
He pulled her into Him, against His shaft as He came and He lent down and bit on her bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth. Did He draw blood? She thought He did. She breathed raspy breaths against Him. Her face buried. Her chest covered in His semen.
He groaned and looked at her, tilted her head back. She thought she could see a flash of something in His eyes as He looked at her in the darkeness. He pulled her to her feet and pushed her gently onto the bed.
"Sleep now rose, you have 500 small onions to peel tomorrow for pickling"
She laid in their bed and He turned her back to her. She curled into Him, spooning and laid her arm across His and over Him. He took her hand and she listened to him sleep.
Tomorrow wold be another day....
****
I would empty two bath tubs of water with a thimble, I would peel 700 onions, if only I could see Him, if only we could argue and make up.
Disappointing Him would be so much easier if we did not live apart. At least I could make Him cups of tea.
I love You Master.
s
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I cant believe its Thursday!
I honestly didn't think it had been since Monday when I last wrote here. That is SO slack of me. Although in fairness to me Sunday's post was written on Monday.
On Monday Master and I again spoke (we couldn't speak Tuesday). He used me again after He permitted me to sit on His face and grip the back of the bed and orgasm. I do so love to sit on his face. I remember doing it in Vegas, the way He licks and nibbles and tugs..... groans. After I slid down He fucked me deeply, I did not orgasm again, somehow I got my timing wrong, but that was of course okay, His pleasure comes first.
We had a good chat and after He allowed me to clean His shaft, I suckled on Him again until He released into my mouth, using me hard, gripping my hair and gagging me. He did not use my slit again, nor fuck me again, but I was so fulfilled at having been of use and giving Him pleasure I curled up and slept like a baby.
Its been a tough couple of days food and exercise wise. I have been very strict with myself in the hope that I can lose 2 kilos by tomorrow (Friday) so that I can talk with Him on the weekend. Its a really hard task to accomplish but I have tried ever so hard. I have to text Him tomorrow and let Him know my results. If I have failed He will make "alternative plans" for the weekend (sigh). He was very cross with my lack of loss and continued lack of loss. I do understand the punishment and accept it of course as I have no alternative. He didn't actually say I had to loose the 2 kilos by Friday, I imposed that on myself as I know if I don't it will also ruin His weekend. He just said He will not talk with me (and only communication via text) until I loose 2 kilos. I need to think of Him, rather than myself. He was a little annoyed with me when I was upset about the punishment as He said that He too also has to miss out and I should be thinking about Him and His disappointment rather than my own. He is correct of course. I am trying to be more thoughtful of His needs and desires.
I do feel a little anxious about it, particularly as I am due to get my period next week. I know I use that excuse but I do bloat up big time around that time of the month.
Today S is back at work and D is back at school, our quarantine period has lapsed and we are all fine. Its my first day alone since the beginning of the school holidays and I have enjoyed the peace, although I have also done a lot of cleaning.
Anyway I need to go and fold some washing before I pick up D. I am getting my hair done tomorrow! Yay it looks a bit grey at the moment, Master has not noticed on the cam but I can tell.
If you happen to read this at work Master I love you lots and have been really trying with the weight.
s
On Monday Master and I again spoke (we couldn't speak Tuesday). He used me again after He permitted me to sit on His face and grip the back of the bed and orgasm. I do so love to sit on his face. I remember doing it in Vegas, the way He licks and nibbles and tugs..... groans. After I slid down He fucked me deeply, I did not orgasm again, somehow I got my timing wrong, but that was of course okay, His pleasure comes first.
We had a good chat and after He allowed me to clean His shaft, I suckled on Him again until He released into my mouth, using me hard, gripping my hair and gagging me. He did not use my slit again, nor fuck me again, but I was so fulfilled at having been of use and giving Him pleasure I curled up and slept like a baby.
Its been a tough couple of days food and exercise wise. I have been very strict with myself in the hope that I can lose 2 kilos by tomorrow (Friday) so that I can talk with Him on the weekend. Its a really hard task to accomplish but I have tried ever so hard. I have to text Him tomorrow and let Him know my results. If I have failed He will make "alternative plans" for the weekend (sigh). He was very cross with my lack of loss and continued lack of loss. I do understand the punishment and accept it of course as I have no alternative. He didn't actually say I had to loose the 2 kilos by Friday, I imposed that on myself as I know if I don't it will also ruin His weekend. He just said He will not talk with me (and only communication via text) until I loose 2 kilos. I need to think of Him, rather than myself. He was a little annoyed with me when I was upset about the punishment as He said that He too also has to miss out and I should be thinking about Him and His disappointment rather than my own. He is correct of course. I am trying to be more thoughtful of His needs and desires.
I do feel a little anxious about it, particularly as I am due to get my period next week. I know I use that excuse but I do bloat up big time around that time of the month.
Today S is back at work and D is back at school, our quarantine period has lapsed and we are all fine. Its my first day alone since the beginning of the school holidays and I have enjoyed the peace, although I have also done a lot of cleaning.
Anyway I need to go and fold some washing before I pick up D. I am getting my hair done tomorrow! Yay it looks a bit grey at the moment, Master has not noticed on the cam but I can tell.
If you happen to read this at work Master I love you lots and have been really trying with the weight.
s
Monday, June 15, 2009
Weight loss - or lack of
My Master as implemented a new regime and I am grateful, if somewhat initially gutted (although I have come to terms with it now).
A week ago Master MADE me tell Him what I weighed. He has not actually made me tell Him for months (I merely tell Him whether I have lost or not). I argued with Him, but told Him (this was a week ago). I weighed 88 kilos last week. I did not lose anything this week and because of the fact that Master has been so lenient with me He has now implemented a new regime/punishment system.
Last night after telling Him I had not lost and after Him going to make a cup of tea and considering all the issues and facts (there are health issues to take into consideration here) He decided that He would only communicate with me via text until I lost 2 kilos. After that if I failed to lose half a kilo a week I would lose all privilege of speaking with Him and communication would be via text for that week.
SO as it was initially, I was looking at not speaking with Him until I lost 2 kilos. He fortunately said that He wished to give me time to contemplate this new regime and we spoke last night and will again tonight, but unless I lose 2 kilos by Friday we will not speak next week.
I was pretty well gutted when He told me (online). In fact I felt physically sick. Perhaps some may feel that is an extreme reaction, but its not, not when I look so forward to speaking with Him properly Sat, Sun, Mon & Tues, and not when the only form of communication we have is phone or online.
Fortunately He gave me the grace period of last night and tonight to speak with Him via the telephone.
It had been three weeks since either of us orgasmed as of last night. Initially He denied me any form of physical contact. I actually cried. I did not cry to be manipulative, I cried because I felt I was being punished twice. I cried because I wanted to feel Him and.... I cried because He denied me the opportunity to GIVE HIM PLEASURE. I really was upset because of the latter mostly, my heart's desire is to please Him and last night when He initially forbade me I was so sad. I was good though, we spoke and talked and discussed things. I did not get irritable, I did not show off, nor did I become bratty. Well I did try, I may have slipped slightly over the edge on occasion in our conversation but I tried my hardest to "accept" His words.
After some time I was permitted to suck His shaft, I moaned around it in my mouth. I was so thankful to me able to taste, smell. To be able to hold Him in my mouth and feel the warmth, His hardness. I would have been satisfied with that. I would have been satisfied with Him using my mouth and denying me anything in my little hole. He knew that. Because He knew that I guess that is why he made me kneel on the bed whilst He teased and tormented my wetness, while He spoke the words that only He can speak. He did not touch me with His fingers, nor His mouth, He made me kneel and reach around to grip Him, taunting me with His words. I was not sure whether He would take me. I was never sure of that, but He did, He pushed inside and made me fuck Him. As I did that I was not even sure whether He would allow me release, I was always thinking that He would just take Himself out and fuck my mouth while my cunt dribbled and soaked. I was very conscious of that, I was waiting for that. At the same time, whilst I was waiting and half expecting I was still very very happy for Him to do that, if He wished. I was so grateful for His use and touch, it felt so good that He was getting pleasure. It really was, no lie, I felt fulfillment in that. Had He not allowed me release I would have been content. But He did allow me orgasm. I was asking Him, so near, so close, yet there was no way I would unless He granted permission. I could feel Him close, I knew better than to allow myself, until I heard His words, He told me to, the instant He did released, He told me Icould. He knew I would, He knew I was ready and just holding back for Him. I climaxed like no other time in fact immediately afterwards I could have come again, without touch. I have read before where people can come without touch and thought it bullshit, but had He said something, the right words, I could have humped my little pussy up in the air and climaxed, easily without any touch at all. I was amazed.
We talked a little more and He granted me the privilege of cleaning Him. I so adore, love and live to suckle His shaft. He knows that, I think I sucked it for about 4 hours straight in Melbourne at one stage, even whilst He was sleeping He would wake and I would be there, my lips and tongue entwined around His stiffness. I cleaned it hungry again and He had me lay back and grip my ankles, (keep your legs open baby, wider, that's it) once again saying those things that He says that make me buck upward, pumping air, the things that make my slit open and dribble and my hole looks as if it has a pulse. He fucked me again, and again He allowed me to climax.
We talked a little more, we hung up and I fell into a delicious dreamy sleep, so sound, the soundest sleep I have had in weeks.
I love my Man, I utterly totally love Him. Although I whinge, moan, complain, play up, I just adore Him, with every single part of me. He consumes me.
Although the new weight loss regime will be hard I am feeling very focused and I am determined to be able to speak with Him next weekend.
I Love You baby, thank you, thank you so much Master, for everything.
s
A week ago Master MADE me tell Him what I weighed. He has not actually made me tell Him for months (I merely tell Him whether I have lost or not). I argued with Him, but told Him (this was a week ago). I weighed 88 kilos last week. I did not lose anything this week and because of the fact that Master has been so lenient with me He has now implemented a new regime/punishment system.
Last night after telling Him I had not lost and after Him going to make a cup of tea and considering all the issues and facts (there are health issues to take into consideration here) He decided that He would only communicate with me via text until I lost 2 kilos. After that if I failed to lose half a kilo a week I would lose all privilege of speaking with Him and communication would be via text for that week.
SO as it was initially, I was looking at not speaking with Him until I lost 2 kilos. He fortunately said that He wished to give me time to contemplate this new regime and we spoke last night and will again tonight, but unless I lose 2 kilos by Friday we will not speak next week.
I was pretty well gutted when He told me (online). In fact I felt physically sick. Perhaps some may feel that is an extreme reaction, but its not, not when I look so forward to speaking with Him properly Sat, Sun, Mon & Tues, and not when the only form of communication we have is phone or online.
Fortunately He gave me the grace period of last night and tonight to speak with Him via the telephone.
It had been three weeks since either of us orgasmed as of last night. Initially He denied me any form of physical contact. I actually cried. I did not cry to be manipulative, I cried because I felt I was being punished twice. I cried because I wanted to feel Him and.... I cried because He denied me the opportunity to GIVE HIM PLEASURE. I really was upset because of the latter mostly, my heart's desire is to please Him and last night when He initially forbade me I was so sad. I was good though, we spoke and talked and discussed things. I did not get irritable, I did not show off, nor did I become bratty. Well I did try, I may have slipped slightly over the edge on occasion in our conversation but I tried my hardest to "accept" His words.
After some time I was permitted to suck His shaft, I moaned around it in my mouth. I was so thankful to me able to taste, smell. To be able to hold Him in my mouth and feel the warmth, His hardness. I would have been satisfied with that. I would have been satisfied with Him using my mouth and denying me anything in my little hole. He knew that. Because He knew that I guess that is why he made me kneel on the bed whilst He teased and tormented my wetness, while He spoke the words that only He can speak. He did not touch me with His fingers, nor His mouth, He made me kneel and reach around to grip Him, taunting me with His words. I was not sure whether He would take me. I was never sure of that, but He did, He pushed inside and made me fuck Him. As I did that I was not even sure whether He would allow me release, I was always thinking that He would just take Himself out and fuck my mouth while my cunt dribbled and soaked. I was very conscious of that, I was waiting for that. At the same time, whilst I was waiting and half expecting I was still very very happy for Him to do that, if He wished. I was so grateful for His use and touch, it felt so good that He was getting pleasure. It really was, no lie, I felt fulfillment in that. Had He not allowed me release I would have been content. But He did allow me orgasm. I was asking Him, so near, so close, yet there was no way I would unless He granted permission. I could feel Him close, I knew better than to allow myself, until I heard His words, He told me to, the instant He did released, He told me Icould. He knew I would, He knew I was ready and just holding back for Him. I climaxed like no other time in fact immediately afterwards I could have come again, without touch. I have read before where people can come without touch and thought it bullshit, but had He said something, the right words, I could have humped my little pussy up in the air and climaxed, easily without any touch at all. I was amazed.
We talked a little more and He granted me the privilege of cleaning Him. I so adore, love and live to suckle His shaft. He knows that, I think I sucked it for about 4 hours straight in Melbourne at one stage, even whilst He was sleeping He would wake and I would be there, my lips and tongue entwined around His stiffness. I cleaned it hungry again and He had me lay back and grip my ankles, (keep your legs open baby, wider, that's it) once again saying those things that He says that make me buck upward, pumping air, the things that make my slit open and dribble and my hole looks as if it has a pulse. He fucked me again, and again He allowed me to climax.
We talked a little more, we hung up and I fell into a delicious dreamy sleep, so sound, the soundest sleep I have had in weeks.
I love my Man, I utterly totally love Him. Although I whinge, moan, complain, play up, I just adore Him, with every single part of me. He consumes me.
Although the new weight loss regime will be hard I am feeling very focused and I am determined to be able to speak with Him next weekend.
I Love You baby, thank you, thank you so much Master, for everything.
s
Research
Over in the UK apparently Cloudy Bay wine is very popular. I told Master years ago it was a New Zeland wine not an Australian one... WELL apparently one of the papers over there was selling a holiday to Australia and wrote that Cloudy Bay wine was made here. Master told me I had been wrong "all these years". It appears I am not wrong, and never was wrong, it is the paper that was wrong!
http://www.cloudybay.co.nz/TheWines/SauvignonBlanc
Love you Master
s
http://www.cloudybay.co.nz/TheWines/SauvignonBlanc
Love you Master
s
Sunday, June 14, 2009
3 weeks
Its been three weeks since my Master used me, yesterday's post was just a dream I had. I didnt really make that clear (as Master pointed out to me last night on the phone).
Tonight Master will be alone and He said yesterday that He was ready to fuck my brains out...but I am worried He will not allow me to orgasm because of the fact that I failed to lose any weight this week. That would be SO harsh, but it is not my decision, I would rather focus on His needs, not my own.
Well I am off to make sure His TIGHT wet little hole is ready for His pleasure. I need to tidy a little. I did shave yesterday but I certainly wouldnt wish His shaft to be sore if He did decide to make me of use tonight. Afterall due to circumstances beyond our control my Master has not had any relief either for 3 weeks and of course His needs are far more important than mine. I just wish to make Him happy and of course I need to prepare myself, regardless.
I love You Master.
s
Tonight Master will be alone and He said yesterday that He was ready to fuck my brains out...but I am worried He will not allow me to orgasm because of the fact that I failed to lose any weight this week. That would be SO harsh, but it is not my decision, I would rather focus on His needs, not my own.
Well I am off to make sure His TIGHT wet little hole is ready for His pleasure. I need to tidy a little. I did shave yesterday but I certainly wouldnt wish His shaft to be sore if He did decide to make me of use tonight. Afterall due to circumstances beyond our control my Master has not had any relief either for 3 weeks and of course His needs are far more important than mine. I just wish to make Him happy and of course I need to prepare myself, regardless.
I love You Master.
s
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Too sore for sex
My Master fucked me 27 times last night. It was so intense I woke up at 1.27am and almost text Him to tell Him I was way too sore for shaft....
But waited to see how I felt when I woke up in the morning...
*sigh*
I have cobwebs between my legs, really thick silkworm ones.
Love You Master
s
But waited to see how I felt when I woke up in the morning...
*sigh*
I have cobwebs between my legs, really thick silkworm ones.
Love You Master
s
Friday, June 12, 2009
House Arrest
Because S works at a place where there has been a confirmed case of Swine Flu and the particular person went to work before getting his flu test results back and coughed and sneezed all over S, S and 4 others were sent to the "Swine Flu Clinic" and all of them sent into quarantine until Wed 17 June... That means no leaving the house AT ALL.... for SEVEN days....
I THEN had to go to the clinic and was advised I too had to be quarantined along with D (as obviously we had been in contact with S in the last couple of days). We are not to go within a metre of S, nor exchange bodily fluids... I didn't like to mention I have not exchanged bodily fluids with anyone since Master was here.. the doctors didn't need to know about my non existent sex life.
D will not be able to go back to school next week until at least Thursday. We are allowed no visitors. If we do have visitors we have to wear the masks we have been provided. Hmmm.
Whilst I was getting all the phone calls about all of this yesterday morning Master called. I was a bit crabby with Him as the doorbell was chiming, my other phone was going and I knew that if anyone would be quarantined it would be S and I was grumpy because of the pure nightmare of being stuck inside with him and D for 7 days with the TV blaring....
Anyway Master wasn't exactly nice to me either, He was grumpy. He was too sick to go to London for work and is having the week off. Yet His daughter wants him to go and see Britney Thursday night as she has a spare ticket. I told Him that if He was too sick to go to work with headaches then He was definitely too sick to drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back to listen to a concert. Anyway if He doesn't go it means He will be home alone and could call me.... but He got the hump when I had to leave quickly because I had to tell the builder not to come into the house... and told me He would speak to me on Saturday... so that was a bit hurtful.
Anyway for anyone that wants to know the results of my mothers tests (including CK) they fortunately came back negative. Which is fabulous. I have text Master twice asking Him to call but He has not responded.
I was coughing all night and I have a headache. I am ashamed to say that I got up really early this morning and did the grocery shopping. I know I was not supposed to but there was no one there (7am) and I did not cough nor sneeze and everything I touched I bought. I also wiped down the trolley thing with a disinfectant wipe after I used it. I HAD to get some shopping in, particularly as during the night I did start to feel a bit off. My sister came to my house twice yesterday, once when I told her about the home isolation and that I was not to have visitors and once at 8.30pm when I was about to go to bed and she was totally drunk (I couldn't get rid of her she wanted alcohol and I didn't have any) and had just walked back from the shop wanting to buy cigs. She then called me at 11pm and wanted me to book her a flight to Sydney for today...what does she think I am? Her PA? So obviously I cannot rely on her to do any grocery shopping for me and there is no one else. So I hope it was okay to duck down really early and get what we needed for a week.
****
Anyway the doorbell just rang... S is sitting at the table... I yelled to him "aren't you going to get that?" He yelled back "I cant"....
Fucking fucking FUCKING hell for Christ's sake..... (He has no symptoms except keeps clearing his throat)... Well fuck me I am not supposed to answer the door either am I?
The govt is worried about Swine Flu spreading...they should be more worried about murder in the street I live in in the next 7 days...
It really would be nice if Master called and gave me a little support and cheered me up.
Love you CK
s
I THEN had to go to the clinic and was advised I too had to be quarantined along with D (as obviously we had been in contact with S in the last couple of days). We are not to go within a metre of S, nor exchange bodily fluids... I didn't like to mention I have not exchanged bodily fluids with anyone since Master was here.. the doctors didn't need to know about my non existent sex life.
D will not be able to go back to school next week until at least Thursday. We are allowed no visitors. If we do have visitors we have to wear the masks we have been provided. Hmmm.
Whilst I was getting all the phone calls about all of this yesterday morning Master called. I was a bit crabby with Him as the doorbell was chiming, my other phone was going and I knew that if anyone would be quarantined it would be S and I was grumpy because of the pure nightmare of being stuck inside with him and D for 7 days with the TV blaring....
Anyway Master wasn't exactly nice to me either, He was grumpy. He was too sick to go to London for work and is having the week off. Yet His daughter wants him to go and see Britney Thursday night as she has a spare ticket. I told Him that if He was too sick to go to work with headaches then He was definitely too sick to drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back to listen to a concert. Anyway if He doesn't go it means He will be home alone and could call me.... but He got the hump when I had to leave quickly because I had to tell the builder not to come into the house... and told me He would speak to me on Saturday... so that was a bit hurtful.
Anyway for anyone that wants to know the results of my mothers tests (including CK) they fortunately came back negative. Which is fabulous. I have text Master twice asking Him to call but He has not responded.
I was coughing all night and I have a headache. I am ashamed to say that I got up really early this morning and did the grocery shopping. I know I was not supposed to but there was no one there (7am) and I did not cough nor sneeze and everything I touched I bought. I also wiped down the trolley thing with a disinfectant wipe after I used it. I HAD to get some shopping in, particularly as during the night I did start to feel a bit off. My sister came to my house twice yesterday, once when I told her about the home isolation and that I was not to have visitors and once at 8.30pm when I was about to go to bed and she was totally drunk (I couldn't get rid of her she wanted alcohol and I didn't have any) and had just walked back from the shop wanting to buy cigs. She then called me at 11pm and wanted me to book her a flight to Sydney for today...what does she think I am? Her PA? So obviously I cannot rely on her to do any grocery shopping for me and there is no one else. So I hope it was okay to duck down really early and get what we needed for a week.
****
Anyway the doorbell just rang... S is sitting at the table... I yelled to him "aren't you going to get that?" He yelled back "I cant"....
Fucking fucking FUCKING hell for Christ's sake..... (He has no symptoms except keeps clearing his throat)... Well fuck me I am not supposed to answer the door either am I?
The govt is worried about Swine Flu spreading...they should be more worried about murder in the street I live in in the next 7 days...
It really would be nice if Master called and gave me a little support and cheered me up.
Love you CK
s
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A very strange day
S and I argued as he was walking out the door to work, it was an argument that could not be continued because he had to go to work. It left me feeling quite despondent, I hate closing doors on arguments (whoever they are with). Anyway, I did call him about 10.30, not because I felt I was wrong, more because I knew it would impound on my day if I didn't call. It was sorted, sort of, but it never is really sorted, if that makes sense. Anyway it sort of seemed to set the whole mood for the day.
D and I did a bit of house work and then I had to go and spend a voucher at a bras and nickers place that my sister bought me for Christmas, $95.00 to spend, I ended up buying two sets and had to spend an extra $75.00. I then went to the butcher and bought some sausages and some silver side. From the moment I git the stuff in the car I knew I was not going to be able to eat the silver side. It just smelt funny. Now I am particularly overly conscious about silver side. When I was pregnant i was hospitalised for 4 days at 35 weeks pregnant because I ate silver side and I was vomiting for days, so much so i had to go to hospital.
I cooked it and still could not come at the smell. Anyway in between that after the butcher I took D to the "ducks park" its where my dad used to take him. we had a bit of a picnic there, but before that... to get there I had to go past the cemetery where dad's plaque is. I have never seen it and today I took the detour and tried to find it. I walked around with D and just couldn't find it, then went to the park.
It was on my mind alot the rest of the afternoon and I looked up the website, searched his name and found the row and where exactly it was located at the cemetery. D and I got back in the car with a tiny little bunch of two pansies and a sprig of pink geranium (one from his plant) all tied together with a long (longer than average) pipe cleaner that I had bought a packet of to make things with D. After more wandering we found his plaque, along with my grandmother and step-grandfathers.
I saw it and stuffed the little bouquet into the side between the mortar and plaque. D wrapped his arms around my legs and hugged me. Although I was showing no emotion at all when he did that I couldn't help myself. I have never seen it before 3 December 2007 and that is the first time I have been there.
we got back int eh car and I told D that if he cried I would cry. He was being all tough and my words just about did us in. We both had a little cry. Then we had a little laugh. When the flowers die there will just be an enormous bright blue pipe cleaner sticking out from under the plaque. Dad used to (about 20 years ago) clean his pipes with pipe cleaners. D and I both ended up smiling but it was so real .
Tonight he has asked if he can sleep with me, S asked him why and he broke down and said "because we saw granddad". I hope I didn't do the wrong thing. I didn't take him to dad's funeral and he has only just started talking about life and death. I didn't mean to frighten him. But I do think i did it in a special, nice relaxed way. we had to talk about cremation and being buried and look at a few tomb stones. Maybe I did too much? yesterday the gaol and today a graveyard?
I didn't mean to go there today, it just happened. I find it extremely difficult to show emotion in the sense of life and death. I find it extremely hard to allow myself to show real emotion to those I love. I am very scared of losing people. Very scared. I have not been able to commit to scattering his ashes yet, I simply cannot deal with the thought of having to comfort my sister. I have no problem scattering (or maybe I do..), yet I just do not want to comfort her. Or maybe I just do not want to hold back my emotion in front of her? I cannot and will not allow myself to show emotion when I scatter his ashes in her presence. I cannot really understand that. I cannot work out why I find it difficult to make the commitment with her to do it. I would rather just do it on the spur of the moment like I did today with D.
I am not making a great deal of sense here. As I have written the last few posts my dad has been on my mind, really on my mind, maybe I am coming to terms with it? Maybe I am just starting to realise he is not here? Maybe I am "needing" him more? I don't know I wish I did. I wish I knew why he is on my mind more than ever.
I think that is why I close myself off sometimes. Sometimes why I do not allow myself to talk to Master about the future and then I don't realise that I don't do it until He makes mention and it causes difficulties because He thinks I am not looking to our future. Yet I am scared of losing Him, scared of being without Him, scared of allowing myself to go that far forward in case for some reason it doesn't happen. I always hold myself back, yet I have dreams and hopes and fantasies that I want and hope that will turn into reality that involves us being together. But sometimes I just cannot say it or I put it to one side because once I stat talking about it I then start looking forward to it and when I allow myself that I am vulnerable.
All my life I have lost people I care for. I am terribly fearful of that. Maybe it boils down to mum and dad's divorce? I am not sure that it does, I never think that that has had an impact, I guess it must have. I was 14 a pretty impressionable age I suppose. Maybe its the more recent events? My sister, dad, grandmother? Yet I remember when I first met S and we had a terrible terrible argument when I had to give away my old dog. It wasn't his fault she was a nutty dog, but I remember the argument and me sitting on the stairs in total tears telling him that everything i every love has to go away from me (meaning the dog). i was 23 then. Maybe it stems from my first true love, Leigh, who I still dream about. 3 and a half years and I really loved him. I still love him and occasionally dream about him. I had a dream the other night where Leigh and Master were in the same dream. I told Master about it, I told Him it was strange because I was "with" Master in the dream and Leigh was just standing in the doorway, not really caring who I was with, but "observing". That is the first time EVER I have dreamt of being with another man with Leigh in the dream. It was strange to me and I wondered what it meant. I guess when I thought about it, in fact I KNEW straight after dreaming it that Leigh is no longer the "man of my dreams" but that my Master is not only now the the man in my dreams, but the man in my life.
Maybe the moon and stars and something is all crossing over or something is happening with the planets at the moment, because my head is certainly very mixed up emotionally. One moment I am sky high, the next I am going all crazy and emotional. I feel as if I am at a standstill.
Oh and getting back to the silver side. I cooked it and I could not serve it. D had sausages and S and I had steak. The corned beef will be given to the dog in small portions. I could not eat it.
****
Master is still not well, not sure if he is off to London today to work, I am guessing he is not. he usually goes Tuesdays but spoke to me last night about going early Wednesday morning (like 4am) he has not text so I am thinking He has not gone. I hope He is okay.
Now to cuddle up with D for a little bit in bed until S takes him to his own bed (or until S sleeps in the other room). D needs a little bit of me at the moment, I think the gaol and the graveyard and all the explanations have been a bit much and he needs his mum to reassure him. After all he is only just 7.
Love You Master
s
D and I did a bit of house work and then I had to go and spend a voucher at a bras and nickers place that my sister bought me for Christmas, $95.00 to spend, I ended up buying two sets and had to spend an extra $75.00. I then went to the butcher and bought some sausages and some silver side. From the moment I git the stuff in the car I knew I was not going to be able to eat the silver side. It just smelt funny. Now I am particularly overly conscious about silver side. When I was pregnant i was hospitalised for 4 days at 35 weeks pregnant because I ate silver side and I was vomiting for days, so much so i had to go to hospital.
I cooked it and still could not come at the smell. Anyway in between that after the butcher I took D to the "ducks park" its where my dad used to take him. we had a bit of a picnic there, but before that... to get there I had to go past the cemetery where dad's plaque is. I have never seen it and today I took the detour and tried to find it. I walked around with D and just couldn't find it, then went to the park.
It was on my mind alot the rest of the afternoon and I looked up the website, searched his name and found the row and where exactly it was located at the cemetery. D and I got back in the car with a tiny little bunch of two pansies and a sprig of pink geranium (one from his plant) all tied together with a long (longer than average) pipe cleaner that I had bought a packet of to make things with D. After more wandering we found his plaque, along with my grandmother and step-grandfathers.
I saw it and stuffed the little bouquet into the side between the mortar and plaque. D wrapped his arms around my legs and hugged me. Although I was showing no emotion at all when he did that I couldn't help myself. I have never seen it before 3 December 2007 and that is the first time I have been there.
we got back int eh car and I told D that if he cried I would cry. He was being all tough and my words just about did us in. We both had a little cry. Then we had a little laugh. When the flowers die there will just be an enormous bright blue pipe cleaner sticking out from under the plaque. Dad used to (about 20 years ago) clean his pipes with pipe cleaners. D and I both ended up smiling but it was so real .
Tonight he has asked if he can sleep with me, S asked him why and he broke down and said "because we saw granddad". I hope I didn't do the wrong thing. I didn't take him to dad's funeral and he has only just started talking about life and death. I didn't mean to frighten him. But I do think i did it in a special, nice relaxed way. we had to talk about cremation and being buried and look at a few tomb stones. Maybe I did too much? yesterday the gaol and today a graveyard?
I didn't mean to go there today, it just happened. I find it extremely difficult to show emotion in the sense of life and death. I find it extremely hard to allow myself to show real emotion to those I love. I am very scared of losing people. Very scared. I have not been able to commit to scattering his ashes yet, I simply cannot deal with the thought of having to comfort my sister. I have no problem scattering (or maybe I do..), yet I just do not want to comfort her. Or maybe I just do not want to hold back my emotion in front of her? I cannot and will not allow myself to show emotion when I scatter his ashes in her presence. I cannot really understand that. I cannot work out why I find it difficult to make the commitment with her to do it. I would rather just do it on the spur of the moment like I did today with D.
I am not making a great deal of sense here. As I have written the last few posts my dad has been on my mind, really on my mind, maybe I am coming to terms with it? Maybe I am just starting to realise he is not here? Maybe I am "needing" him more? I don't know I wish I did. I wish I knew why he is on my mind more than ever.
I think that is why I close myself off sometimes. Sometimes why I do not allow myself to talk to Master about the future and then I don't realise that I don't do it until He makes mention and it causes difficulties because He thinks I am not looking to our future. Yet I am scared of losing Him, scared of being without Him, scared of allowing myself to go that far forward in case for some reason it doesn't happen. I always hold myself back, yet I have dreams and hopes and fantasies that I want and hope that will turn into reality that involves us being together. But sometimes I just cannot say it or I put it to one side because once I stat talking about it I then start looking forward to it and when I allow myself that I am vulnerable.
All my life I have lost people I care for. I am terribly fearful of that. Maybe it boils down to mum and dad's divorce? I am not sure that it does, I never think that that has had an impact, I guess it must have. I was 14 a pretty impressionable age I suppose. Maybe its the more recent events? My sister, dad, grandmother? Yet I remember when I first met S and we had a terrible terrible argument when I had to give away my old dog. It wasn't his fault she was a nutty dog, but I remember the argument and me sitting on the stairs in total tears telling him that everything i every love has to go away from me (meaning the dog). i was 23 then. Maybe it stems from my first true love, Leigh, who I still dream about. 3 and a half years and I really loved him. I still love him and occasionally dream about him. I had a dream the other night where Leigh and Master were in the same dream. I told Master about it, I told Him it was strange because I was "with" Master in the dream and Leigh was just standing in the doorway, not really caring who I was with, but "observing". That is the first time EVER I have dreamt of being with another man with Leigh in the dream. It was strange to me and I wondered what it meant. I guess when I thought about it, in fact I KNEW straight after dreaming it that Leigh is no longer the "man of my dreams" but that my Master is not only now the the man in my dreams, but the man in my life.
Maybe the moon and stars and something is all crossing over or something is happening with the planets at the moment, because my head is certainly very mixed up emotionally. One moment I am sky high, the next I am going all crazy and emotional. I feel as if I am at a standstill.
Oh and getting back to the silver side. I cooked it and I could not serve it. D had sausages and S and I had steak. The corned beef will be given to the dog in small portions. I could not eat it.
****
Master is still not well, not sure if he is off to London today to work, I am guessing he is not. he usually goes Tuesdays but spoke to me last night about going early Wednesday morning (like 4am) he has not text so I am thinking He has not gone. I hope He is okay.
Now to cuddle up with D for a little bit in bed until S takes him to his own bed (or until S sleeps in the other room). D needs a little bit of me at the moment, I think the gaol and the graveyard and all the explanations have been a bit much and he needs his mum to reassure him. After all he is only just 7.
Love You Master
s
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Look what HE is making me do....
That's me above in confinement, 31 days for being insolent, that barrel there is my toilet. I have a rug and I will be eating bread and water. Its really cold, its June and the middle of winter. I will not have a light and will be in darkness for the entirety of my stay. 31 days is so very very harsh for being insolent don't you think? The photo was taken today so I could put it here, tomorrow starts my penance.
If I happen to yell out, or go insane (which is likely) this will be added to my punishment. Leg irons. How will I get to the toilet (barrel) then? Will I be given food?
This is the courtyard I would get to frolic in (If I were good) but alas I will be confined as of tomorrow, 31 days. The doors to the left are the makeshift kitchen and another cell block for "good girls".
That tree is rather erie don't you think? It is right outside the solitary confinement area for men, which consists of around 6 cells. I wonder if anyone else will be confined as I will be?
The above photos bring a whole new meaning to confinement in the BDSM way doesn't it? I went to this place today, it took about 25 minutes to get there. Of course the photo is not me, of course I am not to be confined like that. Yet, despite the obvious creepy nature of the place I went to I could not help but put my leg in those irons, in some creepy sexual way, they turned me on. I didn't clasp them properly though, you can see below they are not on properly. Probably just as well because...
D freaked out, he thought I would never be able to get them off. For a moment I didn't think I could, that 5 seconds of terror (thinking they were so old they had locked somehow) did momentarily panic me. Its was a really somber place.
We had first gone to a maze and walked around it. well two mazes actually, the first was reasonably easy, the second hard, one led to the other. It took us 2 hours in total, to find the centre of each maze and then get out! It was harder to get out. D started to worry then and asked me to call S. I had to laugh I mean S was 30 minutes away at work what on earth would he have done? Despite D becoming a little anxious we made it (due to my great navigational instincts (not) pure luck actually) and were released into the sanctuary of a shop which smelled beautifully of food (we were starving). Rather than eat there I took him to the bakery around the corner and he had a ham salad roll and I had turkey, brie and cranberry. We ate it over looking a beautiful river and hill with grave stones on it.
On the way out we decided to visit the gaol. It was worth it, although I was mindful of the money i was spending. $13.00 for the maze, $15.30 for 1 drink and two really nice sandwiches, another $11.00 to get into the gaol. But hey its school holidays and I was so rapped to get out of the house and spend some quality time with my son.
After the gaol, which totally freaked out D we found an old English boiled sweets shop. Of course I bought some lemon sherbets, a few other bits and pieces only to find out that they do not take debit cards, nor credit cards. Fortunately I had $21.00 in change. Can you believe that? $21.00 in 2 dollar and 1 dollar coins. D got what he wanted which was not much, I actually bought the sweets (lollies we call them here but they are English so I shall call them sweets as they should be called) for S as he (being English) remembers the old fashioned sweets he used to have as a child.
D told me it was the best day he has had for ages and ages and ages. We left home at 10.30am and arrived back just as it started to pour with rain about 3pm. It was fabulous. Fabulous to be out with D, just him and I, fabulous to be out of the house and rather thought provoking to see the gaol and read about the heritage of where I live. I had a really great day, thanks to my son, had he not been so enthusiastic I would never have done what we did. The enthusiasm of a child is so rewarding.
I wonder if Master finds my enthusiasm rewarding like that? Maybe enthusiasm is not the right word, but I wonder if He gains such rewards similar to that I gained today from D, with me when He can see me obviously trying with something?
Hmm I could go on about that, but will not. Its 4.30pm and absolutely freezing. Its supposed to snow and I need to sort out dinner.
I am afraid Master has not been well the last couple of days and I have been terribly selfish. I think its because i was so worried about the leaking and damage downstairs, so caught up in my own problems that I simply could not put them aside and be "nice". I have hurt His feelings. Not that he would openly say that, but I know I have. I did apologise at the end of each conversation, Sunday and Monday night, but sometimes apologies cannot take back actions or words can they?
Anyway, He is so understanding, so patient, so very very very nice and loving. He was falling asleep last night and out of the blue He said "I love you so much [real name]" After all my bitchy dramatic self centredness He was still able to fall asleep talking with me (partially) and drift to the place where He just came out so sincerely with those words. *beams*.
I know He loves me, I love Him, but its not often we get to see our Masters in such a totally vulnerable and raw emotional state. I love Him more for that.
I also made Him laugh (a little) actually He found much of what I had to say very amusing. Not just funny ha, but He laughed, laughed at me because I was so ridiculous (in a nice way - "you make me laugh [real name] at least you have cheered me up"). I am also very appreciative He can see through me so well and laugh when He knows that I knew I was being utterly irrational.
Hopefully He will be feeling better today. I will speak with Him a bit later.
Now off to organise dinner.
Love you very much baby.
s
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